a little bit of this, a little bit of that
...i've been drinking wine in bed so let's just chat
are you surviving the holidays? i’m barely surviving only because i find the holidays to be a bit boring, very excessive and very depressing. viv and i talked about that today after we got coffee (i got a caramel latte even though i hate caramel so that should say something about where my mental state is at). viv echoed that the holidays just feel so fucking depressing because of all the pressure and she’s right. i told ethan i was going to be in santa fe next week and he thought he would be alone for the holiday- holiday meaning christmas. i clarified that i would be here for christmas but i would also be alone so i asked if i could just come over and hang out with him during the day. i felt kind of sad asking him that because what if he said no, even though i knew he wouldn’t say no. but what if!?
the vibes on christmas day always reminds me of that scene in the santa clause where charlie and his dad have the most depressing christmas dinner at denny’s because calvin (the dad) burned christmas dinner and i just remember that feeling of watching that scene and it’s always summed up how christmas feels for me. maybe it’s because i didn’t grow up celebrating any of the holidays so the joy of holiday season escapes me and kind of confuses me at times. it just feels kind of lonely and forced but maybe one day that will change.
i’ve been so tired of social media lately. am i alone in this? am i being hateful? something about social media during the holidays feels especially obnoxious and exhausting. i feel guilty saying that considering much of my livelihood comes from social media and the internet but i find myself muttering under my breath or to anyone who will listen: i cannot wait for the day i can be offline completely!!!! why do i feel like this though? maybe it’s the endless gift guides with items that are recycled from other gift guides or maybe it’s the constant barrage of reels on how to make a side dish or main dish specifically for the holidays. maybe i’m just really cranky. maybe i’m just bored of content that is made specifically aimed to garner more paid partnerships. the holidays always feel so curated to me that i guess i get tired of seeing that type of curation everywhere and it feels like it’s hard to escape.
i decided to not do a gift guide this year but i thought it would be fun to talk about a few things i really, really loved in 2023.
a staple in my wardrobe this year have been two sweaters from erica tanov. specifically, this black ribbed pima cotton one that is slightly oversized and has a really nice thickness that is perfect for weather that is a bit chilly but not cold enough to wear a whole jacket. i also love that it’s a great sweater to drape over the shoulders when wearing something sleeveless. it’s just kind of a classic sweater that goes with everything.
for the colder winter months, i have been very into this alpaca rollneck sweater in bark that is also bit oversized, a little boxier and looks great even when ran through the dryer!!! i have found that some alpaca can be so itchy but this is really soft and not irritating on my pretty sensitive skin (especially my chest). i’ve also been very into shades of brown this year and i find that this brown is really flattering.
viv and i got lunch at zuni cafe one day and shared their gateaux victoire which was maybe the best dessert i’ve had this year. it was so light yet decadent. i don’t know really know how to describe it but just know that i could have eaten twelve slices.
santa fe, new mexico has been a place of solace and comfort this year. it’s been a rough year for me and some of my most treasured and precious memories of 2023 have taken place here. it’s where viv and i made so many memories, where i laughed and cried and baked in the sun, where i healed from feeling suicidal and depressed, where i unexpectedly met someone really lovely, a place that made me feel whole - even if just for a few days- when i felt very broken.
my favorite place to stay in santa fe is el rey court and i love their hotel bar for a good drink and good people watching. if you stay at el rey court during the summer, be sure to try tenderfire kitchen’s pizza pop up on the hotel grounds and make sure to order their seasonal salads. this past summer, viv and i were obsessed with their stone fruit salad and ordered two in a row because we could not get enough. their pizza is also perfect after a long day suntanning by the pool and feeling a bit buzzed from too many palomas.
i became very into socks this year after refusing to wear socks for most of my life. some of my favorite pairs are:
le bon shoppe socks viv got for me in this really beautiful deep cerulean.
my favorite knee highs that i have in brown and forest green (also very affordable).
worst nail polish in the world? i’ll say it with my whole chest: j.hannah!!!! the colors are great but the formula is so, so thin and chips like crazy.
best nail polish i’ve tried for an at home manicure? karolin van loon. i wear tomate rouge on my toes and the formula is so pigmented which i really love. it’s so exciting when one coat gives you enough color. it almost glides on like a gel and it lasts forever (even without a top coat), surprisingly.
i know some people are curious what my favorite cooking products are. i haven’t discovered too many new products this year but instead, i’ve stuck to my favorites.
for olive oil:
beauty items i cannot live without?
tower 28 SOS spray. i am extremely acne prone, i have redness and my skin can be splotchy but i swear to g*d, after one spritz of this, the redness does go down and my skin feels so much calmer. it has not irritated my very sensitive skin which is also a huge plus.
short hair is high maintenance, whoever tells you different is living a blessed life. i received one bottle of this as PR but now, i happily buy a new bottle out of my own pocket every month. it’s a hair serum/oil that smells good, smooths my hair out and de-frizzes it, makes my short hair much more manageable, doesn’t break me out when it touches my face and is not too heavy or greasy.
viv always laughs that i am elf’s biggest fan but it’s true. i am. this year, i discovered their blue light setting spray. i don’t even know what i love about it so much but i knew i fell in love with it when it was sold out at my local target and i was so disappointed. i’ve tried so many different setting sprays from hourglass, charlotte tilbury, nyx, the famous patrick starr setting spray…but i just really love this one and it’s only $10!!!
okay, another drugstore find that i love and swear by and i do not care if there is a $100 cleanser out there that works better, i love this one. it’s so gentle, cleanses without stripping or damaging my skin barrier (which i discovered way too late in life). i also really love that it does not dry me out.
last one. a few drops of this in my primer? never going back.
viv and i have been talking a lot about how freelancing is actually really fucking hard when you don’t come from money or do not have a financial safety net. it’s something people can relate to only if you’re in the same situation and it’s not talked about enough!! so we decided we’re going to record a podcast being very open and transparent about what substacking is like, what content creation is like, what it pays, what freelancing is like when you’re not a nepo baby, if i’m constantly stressed about finances, how much our stripe payouts dictate our spending….
if you have any questions, feel free to leave one down below and we’ll discuss it when we record the podcast episode!!
thank you for being here.
i’m so happy you are.
for the podcast: would you say you feel more or less anxiety around money since starting freelancing full time? do you have any tips or tricks for managing any anxiety you do have?
I so appreciate your tender openness! I hope you have a peaceful holiday.