always loving, never forgetting
a big jumble of nothing
everything feels very trivial right now. life is going on as it always does and there are things to feel, things to eat, dishes to do, shows to catch up on, a movie to zone out to, things to plan, emails to respond to, items to shop for, every day things to moan and groan over but it just all feels so fucking pointless. i’m starting to believe that hell has to exist but i’m desperately needing to believe in a heaven even more. maybe it’s just me but i imagine a lot of people feel like this. i sat in my car the other day at a stoplight and i felt myself doing something ugly and peculiar with my mouth, distorting it into a shape that was off and strange and i felt embarrassed by my own self. i’ve been embarrassed of myself a lot lately. picking off bits of shaved asiago cheese off my sweater and sticking my fingers into my mouth, swallowing it down even with the bit of lint from my sweater. sitting in the front seat of my car, devouring an overpriced soggy ham and cheese croissant with the crumbs from the poorly laminated dough sprinkled all over me like confetti and when i have consumed it all in two bites, i carelessly throw the much too big take out container it came in into my backseat. a man asked if i had an extra cigarette- i did- but i forced myself to turn the corners of my mouth down into a frown and apologetically told him the one i had was my very last one. no one is there to witness my lie except myself but even then, my cheeks feel a bit hot with shame. but sometimes it feels good to lie.
just a few words and images that spoke to me this week. maybe you’ll find something that speaks to you, too.
why did this make me feel so loved and validated in the world!!!! your writing is a joy to receive & cherish