california girls....we're inconsolable...

try a little tenderness q+a

what do you do during a hard moment in your life?

i want to say something profound and poetic but the truth is, most of the time, i feel paralyzed and i wallow. i look back on the last year, especially november through january where it felt like my life was falling apart and i don’t really remember how i managed. although i was confident in the decisions i made and the new chapter in my life i was approaching, i spent a lot of time crying in my car or spiraling about when and how things would feel better or at the very least, more manageable. sometimes hard moments in life feel so lonely even if you know that you aren’t truly alone. i had viv, i had my mom, i had my brother and i even had the fuzzy warmth of cleo but sometimes despair doesn’t really want company. hard moments require us to truly sit with ourselves and our sadness and our anxiety and claw our way out slowly but surely. most of the time, i wish that the only way out wasn’t through but it is and that’s just life. one day, you wake up and you understand that a hard time or a hard moment is just that. it’s a small blip in a much bigger picture that is bound to be full of joy and beauty and happiness. there will be more sad moments, there will be more hard moments or times where feel life feels so relentless and stressful but then you’ll eat a meal with your best friend that makes things feel a little more lighter, you’ll hear a song that you sing out loud with abandon in the comfort of your own car while on a drive by yourself and it makes you feel free in a way that reminds you of your teenage years, you’ll laugh unexpectedly at something and you’ll laugh until your stomach hurts, you’ll witness kindness and care and thoughtfulness and even if it isn’t directed at you - it will make you feel hopeful again, someone will tell you what you didn’t realize you needed to hear and suddenly you feel a little more capable, you’ll sit in the sun one day and it will dawn on you that good things are coming for you and you’ll believe it with your whole heart and you’ll feel strong enough to know that the only way out is through. and you do. you make it through.

what was your relationship with your mom growing up?

most of the time, it is very easy to talk about my mom, especially in the context of how she was a divorced single parent and raised me and ethan with so much grace and strength under some harsh circumstances. it’s very easy for me to wax poetic about how my mom has always been incredibly selfless and truly dedicates her life to her role as our mom and how she has always gone above and beyond to be the mom she wants to be for us and how she filled our life with a lot of beauty and adventure. but then, it’s hard for me to talk about my mom because i feel like every daughter/mother relationship, no matter how loving, is a dynamic that has so many layers and complexities. growing up, my mom was so incredibly protective of my girlhood in a way that made me feel stifled and in some ways, very reckless. some of my mom’s parenting decisions like snooping through my things, or being conservative about what kind of clothes i could wear or not being very communicative and open about sex are not decisions i would make if i were a mom but now as an adult, i understand that those choices she made came from fear and insecurity. sometimes my mom’s love and watchful eye, no matter how well intentioned and pure, felt so cloying and almost like a burden and i felt myself wanting to rip myself away from it. and in a way, i did. i essentially ran away home very spontaneously for a few months in my early twenties and didn’t come home for a year and i know it destroyed my mom. we don’t talk about it now. or rather, we talk about it very rarely and it’s always with strain. although me running away from home was a big mistake and in a lot of ways completely unnecessary, it was also necessary in some ways for my mom and i to grow in our understanding of each other.

i think my mom learned to understand that i will do things my own way and i am more carefree (or reckless) than her or my brother, i have a tendency to be irresponsible, i can be impulsive, i can be very selfish, i am emotional and stubborn and i will follow my heart over my head. i think she has learned that she can trust i’ll eventually be okay and i am someone who needs to learn tough lessons on her own and she can’t protect me from everything, not only because it’s not physically possible but i just won’t let her. i think she learned that her intense desire to protect me from the world combined with my young girlhood selfishness blew up into something that felt devastating for the both of us.

my mom was not supportive of my break up with jeremy at first and that felt like another blow in my hope that she will continue to understand me throughout all stages of my life and it made me feel incredibly angry that it felt like she couldn’t trust that i know what is best for me. but i think that’s what is so complex about our relationships with our moms and their relationships to us. they see so much of themselves in us while struggling to understand we are not them and they are not us. they just so desperately want us to be safe and happy and not make the mistakes they have made or seen other people make and they’re just filled with so much fear when they look at us, younger versions of themselves, that it almost undermines everything else that is necessary to feel like a whole person. in some ways, it’s sad and it’s beautiful and it’s gut wrenching and it’s a constant process of learning each other over and over and over as mother and daughter and eventually just as two women navigating the past, the present and the future.

my mom and i talked about the way she raised us this morning and she sent me this text and it reminds me that some things do come full circle, even if it’s for a bit, and it’s beautiful when it does.

what are your pet peeves?

people who are habitually very late. people who who can’t appreciate quiet. music that is too loud in a small space. people who drive below the speed limit in the fast lane on the freeway. people who don’t say thank you when you hold the door open for them. people who don’t acknowledge you when you let them into the lane while driving, especially during heavy traffic. people who lack imagination or whimsy. men who describe themselves as ‘soft’ or ‘tender’. people with bad manners. people who care so much about what other people think. people who feel entitled to your time. when you have to repeatedly ask brands for payment. people who talk over you. people who don’t stop talking. people who interrupt you. people who feel the need to one-up you. people who intentionally go out of their way to make you feel like you don’t exist. people who stare with judgment rather than curiosity. people who are always scared to say what they mean. people who don’t mean what they say. people who talk during the movie at a movie theater. the sound of porcelain scraping against porcelain. people who comment on what i’m eating. people with insane coffee orders. people who always try to be the funny person in the room. lack of communication. my insane tendency to procrastinate. people who yank on their dog’s leash when they’re wearing just a collar. my lack of time management. men who laugh or talk too loudly on purpose. the sudden blaring of sirens and honking. the car: dodge chargers. women shrinking themselves in a presence of a man in hopes to be liked. seeing women with men who don’t deserve them.

is there anything you want people to remember about romantic relationships?

i think about these questions in the context of what i would tell my daughter, knowing that i will not be a mom to a daughter or any child in this lifetime. i think about what i would want my daughter to know or things i would tell her if she came to me in moments of heartache or uncertainty. sometimes i feel like even at 34 years old, i don’t know anything about romantic relationships and other times, i feel like i am brimming with thoughts and feelings about love.

i think we should remember that romantic love isn’t the most meaningful form of love. it isn’t always the highest or most profound definition of love. a relationship ending doesn’t mean it was a failure or it was a waste of time, especially in the context of a long term serious relationship. it’s okay to walk away and it’s okay to leave, there is no shame in it and there is no wrong in choosing to end what is no longer serving you or them. you are never stuck. you always deserve more than bare minimum and bare minimum shouldn’t be celebrated even at our loneliest moments or when we are so desperately craving and needing to be loved and to love. if you find yourself constantly feeling lonely, drifting invisibly like a ghost…rethink if this is the love you want. starting over is terrifying but it is brave. people who say you need to love yourself before loving someone else shouldn’t be listened to because sometimes we learn to love ourselves through loving someone else. people will hurt us and we will undoubtedly hurt others and sometimes the truth is, no one is to blame. love can feel all consuming-it can be treacherous and damning and overwhelming and ugly and electric but we need to always have our own life outside of it. a good and safe love will encourage us to cultivate ourselves as our own person and it will want us to continue growing and expanding and thriving outside of them and outside of the love that you share. two wrongs will never, ever make it right. paying attention and curiosity and trust and consideration and reciprocity and respect and kindness and patience as a whole are more meaningful than ‘love’. it’s important to take care in loving someone the way they need and want to be loved, not how we want to love them. taking care of yourself is very important and should be prioritized, too. you are the most important person in your life. sometimes it’s just as easy as realizing: if they wanted to, they would. sometimes, saying ‘thank you’ is more meaningful than saying ‘i love you’ as a thank you. no one is above an apology. there are more meaningful forms of intimacy than sex. good things take time. how someone chooses to love you is not a meter or an indicator of how lovable you are. if someone denies you communication and honesty or is cruel in handling your feelings and your heart, it is not a reflection of you or a lacking on your end. it is hard to not take it personally but it is not your issue or your problem to figure out. never feel shame in asking for what you need, asking for what you want, asking for what you deserve, make it clear what you need to feel cared for. be shameless in showing who you really are, your flaws, the ugliness, the fears and all because above all, being genuine and true to yourself is the highest form of love and is the foundation of something real and true. no matter what happens, you’ll be okay.

what is your favorite and least favorite part about being a woman?

favorite part: my intuition. the protectiveness and admiration i feel toward other women. how i’m constantly evolving. the sheer glee that comes from another woman complimenting me and the joy i feel from seeing a beautiful and happy woman. knowing that the female gaze is something that is something men will never, ever understand. my softness- both physical and emotional-that is also strength. the indescribable feeling of best friendship between women. reliving girlhood even as an adult woman. knowing that women can see beauty and romance in everything and anything, big or small, mundane or not.

least favorite part: how time is applied differently toward women. women giving so much- their time, their beauty, their youth, their energy, their love, their care, their resources, their vulnerability, their whimsy, their charm. women sacrificing so much for so little at some point in their lives or multiple times in their lives. how it feels like we have to have our guard up at all times just to survive. knowing that sometimes, it just takes one wrong person to kill a part of ourselves that we can’t get back.

what’s one thing you are working on/trying to improve for yourself?

i’m trying to work on being more myself and figure out who i am in this stage of my life. i feel like when i was in my last relationship, a lot of my identity was wrapped up in being someone’s partner and truthfully, i thought i needed to be someone good enough to be someone’s wife. i was this stay at home partner and i felt like my whole identity was wrapped up in that role as a caretaker, in a way. when that relationship ended, i feel like i was sort of confused as to who i was or who i wanted to be or who i could become. i was no longer going to be a wife, i didn’t want to be a wife, i no longer felt like i had to try to match the maturity level of the person i was with, i was single, i was alone, i could be whoever i wanted to be. i dyed my hair red, i played around with my personal style, i was just trying to figure out who i was as a woman approaching her mid-thirties whose life is turning out differently than she expected. and i think i’m just working on me, still. i’m just trying to settle more into myself, i want to figure out how to maintain stability on my own, i want to be better at managing my stress, i want to be better at taking care of myself, i want to get to know myself more.

what is your coffee order?

a 16 oz. triple shot light vanilla latte with whole milk. always hot.

how do you like living in the bay?

it’s home. it’s where my family is. it’s where i was born and where i grew up. the produce is good, the weather is nice (in the east bay), it’s familiar and comfortable although it’s expensive. berkeley is not as over stimulating as a larger city like los angeles or new york or even san francisco. i think the bay has a lot to offer certain people but i think for people who need more, maybe it’s too quiet.

what age are you looking forward to reaching?

age is just a number to me. it doesn’t really mean anything. i hope that even when i’m 50 years old, i still have the energy of someone who feels 17.

what is your least and most favorite dessert?

least favorite: any pie minus pumpkin or sweet potato pie

favorite dessert: pavlova or a scoop of ice cream.

do you think yours and jeremy’s age difference ultimately led to your break up?

yes, our age difference was the biggest thing. we were just in completely different places in our lives emotionally and mentally.

it didn’t have anything to do with love but it was about our age difference, my desire to grow and expand and thrive and experience more, jeremy feeling like i wasn’t in the same place as him emotionally. our break up was something that was necessary and truly needed to happen and i’m really happy for us. we both deserve to be very happy.

do you have your nipples pierced?

yes. i’ve gotten my nipples pierced about 3 times in my life. i used to have both pierced, then i took them out, then i got them re-pierced and then i took one out and i left just one side pierced. it’s incredibly painful, even for someone who has a high pain tolerance, so i don’t think i’ll be redoing any piercing on my nipples if i take them out again!

how to get over bad body image days? something to do that distracts from yourself?

i wear clothes that make me feel good which is usually something loose fitting and easy to wear. a friend told me that on her worst body image days, she will take photos of herself so she can see that what she feels is not what is actually real. i’ve tried this a few times and sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t. sometimes i just acknowledge that i am not feeling good about myself physically and it’s okay. sometimes i’ll go for a swim. sometimes i just accept that i am feeling not good about myself and hopefully the next day i’ll feel better about myself. having a body is hard. some days are good, some days feel fantastic, some days feel fucking awful and we feel miserable and so ugly and that’s all okay. it’s human. it’s just life. when tracey emin said: fantastic to feel beautiful again….i felt that.

how is your heart healing?

my heart is the strongest thing about me.

thank you for being here with me.

i am so happy you are.