i stood under the awning in viv’s backyard while the rain made a dull pitter-patter sound against the plastic above me. my mom’s voice sounded staticky and far away over the phone. the static along with her sounding far and distracted made me tell her i could call her later when she is less busy. i struggle with holding a conversation if i feel i am the only one really in it. i need it to be voice to voice, not voice talking to empty space. i really dislike feeling like it’s just me present in a conversation- very little makes me feel lonelier. her ‘no, no it’s fine’ sounds panicked and i subtly take drags from my cigarette hoping she can’t hear my inhales. there is a pause and then she says, ‘hello? ethaney?’ and suddenly she sounds close. the static is gone.
there are things i despise: feeling like i am talking to the ether. repeating myself more than once which is really a symptom of feeling humiliated that i was not heard the first time. closeness as a physical feeling rather than emotional - i am here, they are there, our skin grazes each other yet the space between us feels liminal. the unsettling feeling of knowing maybe but never again.