desire doubled is love and love doubled is madness

try a little tenderness q+a

i stood under the awning in viv’s backyard while the rain made a dull pitter-patter sound against the plastic above me. my mom’s voice sounded staticky and far away over the phone. the static along with her sounding far and distracted made me tell her i could call her later when she is less busy. i struggle with holding a conversation if i feel i am the only one really in it. i need it to be voice to voice, not voice talking to empty space. i really dislike feeling like it’s just me present in a conversation- very little makes me feel lonelier. her ‘no, no it’s fine’ sounds panicked and i subtly take drags from my cigarette hoping she can’t hear my inhales. there is a pause and then she says, ‘hello? ethaney?’ and suddenly she sounds close. the static is gone.

---

there are things i despise: feeling like i am talking to the ether. repeating myself more than once which is really a symptom of feeling humiliated that i was not heard the first time. closeness as a physical feeling rather than emotional - i am here, they are there, our skin grazes each other yet the space between us feels liminal. the unsettling feeling of knowing maybe but never again.

---

i woke up with my eyeliner smeared, my mascara spread across my eyes - nearly touching the edge of my eyebrows, my hair was mangled and oily - i could smell the muskiness of my scalp. i could smell the acrid sweetness of last night’s wine and sake that i had thrown up violently, the alcohol permeating my body and seeping out of my pores not mingling well with the stale scent of my scalp and greasy hair and the very last notes of my aesop perfume. i woke up wearing a t-shirt of his that i must have drunkenly grabbed on my way to the bathroom when i needed to throw up again.

i laid there, not daring to move because i did not want this to be witnessed so early in the morning. i remembered the night before and how i was apologizing profusely for not being a girl who could handle her alcohol, for being a girl who threw up in someone’s kitchen while running to the bathroom sink to throw up more, just really for being a girl that needed someone else to clean up their mess. i remembered the kindness as he jokingly told me he has plenty of towels to clean up vomit with, took off my boots and my socks and undressed me gently while reassuring me that it was okay and then tucking me into his bed as he whispered he would be right back. as i drifted off to a drunken sleep, i could hear him cleaning the vomit i had left behind.

the last time i got this drunk was five and a half years ago when jeremy and i first started dating and i had stupidly consumed six glasses of rosé on a near empty stomach to cope with meeting his girl friend who was unabashedly flirting with him in front of me which i did not know how to cope with which then left me throwing up on the damp grass of a random industrial complex off the freeway as he watched me from a distance. that night, he left me sleeping on the cold hardwood floor between the kitchen and the living room still fully clothed- grass stains on my jeans and the dribble of vomit on my sleeve- with his office trash can by my head. he went upstairs and slept in the bed. i should have known then.

he woke up and softly asked me if i needed anything and i was too embarrassed to say i needed a shower, i needed him to not see me like this, i needed ibuprofen, i needed water, i needed coffee, i needed reassurance he still liked me. i shook my head and apologized for being such a mess. i’m so sorry about throwing up and i’m so sorry i am just wearing a shirt of yours without asking. there is something very vulnerable about having someone see you at your absolute ugliest, at your absolute worst, at your absolute most feral as you are gagging and throwing up the contents of your stomach all over the floor. he kissed my forehead and wrapped his arms around me and reassured me it was nothing, it was fine, he just wanted to make sure i was okay. i’ll make us coffee, you stay in bed, do you want to shower? do you need pepto bismal? do you need ibuprofen?

i hid my face in his pillows and thanked him for being so kind to me. he paused and kissed the top of my head and said: what are you talking about? you deserve it.

---

what do you think about love languages? how important do you think they are in relationships?

i think love languages are real and i think they are important and i think it’s important to know what love language makes you feel loved and what love language makes your partner feel loved and cared for. everyone feels and receives love differently. what makes me feel loved is not what might make someone else feel loved. i feel loved when someone spends time with me, and i am a big words of affirmation girl (that is no surprise). those things might be nice for someone else but not how they feel genuinely cared for and seen and understood. i think love languages are important in the sense that they just remind us that we need to love people in the way that they want to be loved, not the way we need to be loved.

any advice in regards to casually dating without getting invested?

i wish i had good advice for this but i never got the hang of not getting invested while casually dating. if i like someone, i get invested. it’s not always the best thing and it’s probably not always the healthiest in regards to my own emotional health but there’s something beautifully innocent and carefree about it. i refuse to let it go. when i was younger, i was dating a lot and going out on several dates a month and if i liked someone, i would just let myself get fully immersed in it without knowing what was going to happen. i just let myself feel and enjoy. even as someone in their thirties, i still wear my heart on my sleeve and i don’t have my guard up even if i should. this is the thing about dating - it forces us to be vulnerable and it forces us to take chances and risks and sometimes that risk is worth it. why deprive ourselves of the experience of feeling especially when there is so much to feel? and if it doesn’t work out? we feel the pangs of sadness and devastation but then we stand in awe that we allowed ourselves to be open to the possibility of something.

i have heard that the key to casual dating is emotional boundaries. conversations are more surface level. physical intimacy is either on the table or completely off. there is a guard up. but like i said, i wish i had good advice for this but i do not. when it comes to dating, just follow your heart and your gut and what feels good to you and only you. that is the most important.

what do you look for in a person?

you know when jenny slate said, as the image of myself becomes sharper in my brain and more precious… i feel this way about what i look for or want in a person. as the image of myself becomes sharper in my brain and more precious, this is what i look for: someone who is genuinely kind and not just ‘nice’ because there is a true difference and once you experience the difference, you know. someone who is self aware of their faults but has a healthy sense of self. someone who will laugh loudly without a care in the world, someone who is playful and spontaneous. someone who is honest with others but more importantly, honest with themselves. someone who is still amused by life and finds a lot of joy and honest beauty in the quiet still moments and in the ordinary every day moments of life. someone who will take the time to communicate what they’re feeling and how they’re feeling and what they need and what they want and what they don’t like and what they need more of. someone who accepts me for who and what i am not more so than who i am. someone not in competition with me. someone who doesn’t expect me to be smaller to fit their world. someone who wants to witness me as much as i want to witness them. someone who is curious, someone who will always take the time, someone who asks questions, someone who wants to know more about life, about me, about everything. someone who is not afraid to shower me with affection- someone who will hold my hand on a summer night even if my hand becomes too sweaty, someone who will kiss my forehead while we’re walking intertwined down the street, someone who will hold my hand across the table, someone who will kiss me and i can tell they mean it, someone who wants to sit next to me, someone who wants to be next to me, near me, beside me. someone who i can share long glances with across a crowded room and they know what it means.

next travel destination?

viv and i are planning to go to new mexico in a couple months which is my favorite state and i can’t wait for her to experience it. randomly, i also have been really wanting to go back to wyoming. i am craving wide open spaces.

as for international, viv and i want to go to hong kong and taiwan sometime soon.

how can we all stay tender in all these weird political streams?

take care of you, take care of those around you, take care of your community, take care of your family, take care of you, take care of the things you love, support others in taking care of what they love.

that’s all we can do: take care.

who are your life inspirations?

i don’t have specific people who are my life inspirations. i find inspiration in daydreams, i think. i find inspiration in envisioning a life that i want to create somehow, in some way. i find inspiration in memories of places i’ve traveled, art and in reading things that resonate. i find inspiration in colors and feelings that i want to experience over and over again. i know this all sounds so pretentious and dumb but i really try to not find inspiration in people. it just doesn’t excite me.

summer wishlist?

more disposable camera photos to remember moments, long chats on the fire escape, dining al fresco, a good bikini, bare legs, chlorine scented hair, warm summer nights that make me feel unhinged and impulsive, strawberry milk at the park, drinking wine on the beach at sunset, short dresses, silk slips, tan lines, laughing that is amplified from that one extra glass of wine, cold strawberries and cherries enjoyed in the sunshine, early girl tomatoes on baguette, long nights and late mornings, espresso tonics, more jewelry making, baroque pearl chokers and anklets, road trips, good oysters and champagne, tequila cocktails before dinner, a kiss on a street corner while waiting for the light to change, more life.

what are your vices?

an american spirit. having an insatiable appetite for things that i feel like i can’t always ask for.

do you shop secondhand?

yes. viv is my favorite person to thrift with and the only person i enjoy thrifting with. but currently these are my loves on the real real:

this helmut lang dress and this one. this vintage jil sander mini skirt that i think would look cute with a tight cropped baby tee. these helmut lang jeans and this acne pair, too. this margiela skirt that i think would look very cute with a bralette. this wales bonner knit with a pair of distressed denim shorts and sneakers. this jacquemus top with baggy vintage levi’s. a rachel comey breezy summer dress that is a little matronly but to wear when you don’t know what else to wear. a nice margiela chunky heel. this palmer/harding dress that is giving SATC vibes. i really liked this acne dress and was sad when it sold before i could buy it.

how do you find your purpose?

i think our ‘purpose’ is always evolving and changing as we grow and change. what i thought was my purpose when i was in my twenties is very different than what i think my purpose is now in my thirties. i think we learn and find our purpose by just living and existing and growing and trying new things and failing at other things. it’s also okay to not know what your purpose in life is. sometimes i think that the purpose in life is just to be the healthiest we can, emotionally/mentally/physically, to treat ourselves kindly, to be kind to others and those we care about, to be honest, to communicate, to be truthful, to be loving, to allow ourselves to dream and support others in doing the same, to be warm and to be open to new experiences. i feel like that alone is finding good purpose in life. if we practice and strive to do those things, we will not live a mediocre life.

how do you manage screen time?

i don’t. i’m bad at it. i’m always on my phone. but i try to not be on my phone when i’m around people or when i’m spending time with someone. my brother brought to my attention one time that i was always on my phone in the presence of others and it was rude and i agreed. now, i really try to just be present when i’m face to face with someone. emails can wait, i don’t have notifications for anything on, texts can wait, i don’t need to take photos of everything i’m doing or eating. i try to manage my screen time by understanding how much i hate when someone is on their phone constantly in front of me so i try to not do the same to others.

how do you move to deeper conversations when dating/getting to know someone?

ask questions and be curious but respect boundaries. sometimes people are not super keen on diving into deeper topics when getting to know someone or just newly dating and that’s perfectly okay. some people are very private and it takes time to get them comfortable talking about their families, their fears, their traumas, their heartbreaks, their dreams, what they think about religion etc. i think small talk has become a thing that people have learned to hate or not have patience for but i think sometimes small talk can be just as important and insightful as the deeper conversations. good things (like conversation) can take time. everyone moves at a different pace when opening up to someone new and it’s not something we should force or rush.

how do you know if someone is serious about you?

i have no idea. i’ve struggled with figuring this out my whole life. i guess something that is tried and true and applies to everything is: if they wanted to, they will.

fav bay area eats:

i recently went to mijote sf and robin which were both quite good.

i like belotti, standard fare, chez panisse cafe, mama, soba ichi, funky elephant, rose pizzeria, sister, lovely’s, smokehouse, champa garden, buddy. i actually don’t eat out very much so i’m not always the best to ask for recommendations.

the film that made you feel the most?

i love films and most films make me feel something.

the film that made me feel the most was watching joy luck club when i was 10 years old. i was hysterically crying afterward. i had just never watched something so devastating before.

c’mon c’mon made me cry a lot even though nothing about it is particularly sad.

love by gaspar noe had me depressed and devastated. same with blue is the warmest color. atonement and pride and prejudice (2005) are always movies that make me feel comforted and happy. shoplifters and minari were both beautiful. moonlight was a film i couldn’t stop thinking about when it came out. paris, texas is a film that ethan introduced me to that was devastating in a way i had to break it up into sections.

is there a place you’ve never visited but feels familiar to you?

isle of skye.

---

thank you for being here.

i’m so happy you are.