i’ve never been held like this before.
you would think i have been, considering being held is something that is simple and so straightforward. i’ve been held by several men- a couple i loved, several i truly liked and some i fooled myself into thinking i cared for at all. but there is a difference between being held and being held. i noticed this the first time we slept together. it wasn’t necessarily about sex but it was the way we would sleep together. falling asleep with someone new can be awkward and strange. there is a dance that can happen - do you fall asleep cuddling or apart, should you give space but not too much space in fear of coming off as disinterested, or maybe you are disinterested, maybe they are disinterested, maybe sex is fine but falling asleep together is something that neither one of you are ready for yet, maybe they toss around too much, maybe you talk in your sleep, maybe the unfamiliarity makes you wish they could be somewhere else instead of in your bed, maybe you don’t want to be touched at all.
his frame, lithe and beautiful, molded around me in a way that was startling and slightly uncomfortable only because of how intimate and safe it felt. the bristly scruff of his five o’clock shadow would tickle the back of my neck as he burrowed his face into me, his breath warm and melodic. he pressed himself against my back so tightly that i could feel the rise and fall of his chest as he slept. any hesitancy of having someone new in my bed was assuaged by the way he wrapped himself around me as we fell asleep. it felt like his body was always searching for mine throughout the night. each time i gently shifted in bed, worried about moving too much and being a disruptive sleep mate, i felt his hand graze my arm or i would feel him reaching for me to pull me closer to him. i felt cocooned by this intimacy. i wasn’t used to this.