i do not want to be a person i want to be unbearable
i told my mom i was casually seeing someone i didn’t see a future with. i told her i was just having fun and it was true - i was just having fun. how much fun was questionable but it was fun enough. i showed her a photo i took of him on a disposable camera. i thought it was a good photo. it looked nostalgic and soft in a way that only disposable cameras can portray. she took a quick glance and didn’t bother to zoom in. as she sipped her aperol spritz, she groaned. ethaney. please. she sounded exasperated and confused all in the same breath. what is wrong with me just wanting to have fun i ask her. is fun so bad? she rolled her eyes and said, just for fun doesn’t exist for you.
my mom said just for fun doesn’t exist for me because i always try to see the attractive qualities in people. i overly romanticize the good. i never look at the big picture. i didn’t say anything because she was right. even if i hate to admit it, she is usually always right. i better not find out five months from now you guys are in a full blown relationship. i laugh because i can’t tell her that this type of fun is drinking wine, being delusional about what is good for me, eating beautiful meals with someone who will insist we sit on the same side of the table so they can easily have their arm around my shoulders or place their hand on my thigh, and fooling myself into thinking i can do just fun while joining my body with someone new and unfamiliar.
the truth is: i can’t do fun.
because even if i try to convince myself that i want something casual, i want something fun, i want something carefree, i want to want without really wanting - i desire something real and honest and true even more. because the truth is, when i saw him with his arm slung around the slim shoulders of someone that wasn’t me, i felt my stomach drop. because the truth is, as i sat at dinner with a girl friend, i couldn’t concentrate on anything but the water glass in my hand because i struggled with understanding how i could kiss someone goodbye in the morning only to see them with someone else 8 hours later. because the truth is, when we agreed that we were taking things slow and seeing where things go, i should have read between the lines, i should have known what that meant. but the truth is, casual does not mean casual when you sleep in each other’s beds and shower in each other’s shower and morning coffee is shared and whole days are spent together. because the truth is, when it comes down to it, i don’t know how to care in moderation. and really, the biggest truth of all is that i am weak when it comes to men who display shallow acts of good intentions, soft words and teeter that delicate line of curiosity and attention.
even when i have learned, brutally, over and over that attention and curiosity are not the same.
i wouldn’t have looked down on his casual brazenness with disgust had he not insulted my pride. he realized i had seen him with someone else and he told me that the city was just too small. he asked if i wanted to see each other the following week and i decided then that i wanted to be an unbearable person. i wanted to be a touch cruel. for the first time, i didn’t want to choose kindness. i didn’t want to explain myself. i didn’t want to give clarity. i wanted to be brazen in my disgust. selfishly, i had the urge to punish for my bruised pride.
i told my mom i stopped seeing him. i told her that i didn’t know what i was doing but it seemed pointless. i told her that viv told me i deserve more. my mom told me to stop looking for love in the wrong places.
but i’m not looking for love.
i’m looking for understanding.
i am a fun girl but my mom is right.
just for fun doesn’t exist for me because i am always, always, craving to give and receive more.
Feeling very seen by "because the truth is, when it comes down to it, i don’t know how to care in moderation." Thank you for this.
i feel so lucky to get to read your thoughts. thank you for sharing