i want to make a new year's prayer

not a resolution

it is new year’s eve and i’m at the airport. ethan dropped me off early in the morning. i felt bad for taking him up on his offer because no one loves to take someone to the airport at 9:45 am but i know he gets more annoyed when i don’t take him up on his kindness so i did. i expected the airport to be busy for some reason but it’s quiet and i can smell the fluorescent lighting and i can hear the squeaking of everyone’s shoes on the dirty linoleum floors. every airport smells the same. is there music playing? i can never remember if airports play background music or it’s just muffled out of memory by tsa agents yelling at people to take off their shoes and in the same breath, reminding them to not remove their laptops, wily and exhausted screaming babies and the plastic wheels of heavy luggage being lugged around.

i stand in the middle of the security line to dig out my wallet from my carry on bag. there is no one around me so i don’t care, i take up the space. it takes me three minutes to find my wallet and in a sudden irrational fury, i decide i want to throw this wallet away- i hate it so fucking much. i left my apartment in a disarray which stresses me out as i wait for the tsa agent to scan my license. i had timed everything poorly - i was supposed to wake up at 7, shower, do my skincare, while my skincare was drying, i would make my bed, after my bed was made, i would put on primer and as my primer soaked into my skin, i would finish packing some last minute things, i would water my plants, i would finish my makeup, get dressed, have another cup of coffee with milk and cinnamon, maybe have a cigarette if it sounded appetizing and then get in my car to leave. but nothing ever happens the way i want it to. instead, i wake up at 7:30, change three times, forcefully pack two extra sweaters, leave my damp shower towels on my bed, didn’t water my plants, didn’t have another cup of coffee and didn’t think once about a cigarette and left too late to take out my trash. i told myself it was good i at least changed my bed sheets, vacuumed and did my dishes the night before. i’m only gone for four days but four days can be a long time if you think about it.