try a little tenderness

...always glad to see you (plus a recipe for tomato garlic harissa bucatini!)

how are your heart, mind and soul doing?

this is such a kind and thorough way of asking, ‘how are you’. my heart is always trying to find the good, always trying to find comfort, always treasuring the glimmers, holding onto moments of connection and warmth like a lifeline. my mind is slow moving, thoughts kind of flowing slowly like honey, floating to some place in the future, and trying to find connection in the fragments. i’m trying to find magic in thinking logically, rationally and sensibly and with compassion.

my soul? on fire! as always.

what are your favorite ways to integrate comfort in your home or in your every day routine?

i rarely ever close my blinds, i like seeing sunlight change from dawn to morning to evening to darkness. i like lighting my cedar incense or spraying my room sprays from aesop or merci paris. i like dining by candlelight even if it’s on the blanket on my dining room floor. i like having the windows open for as long as i can before the night gets too chilly. i like cotton bedding that are in colors that i find soothing- white, an olive-y/yellowish green, terracotta, butter yellow, lilac. i like having fresh flowers around because it is nice to look at something beautiful even if it doesn’t last. i like waking up early and making my mediocre coffee in the mornings with too much milk and a teaspoon of sugar and drinking it out of an old jar instead of a regular coffee cup. i never wear my outside clothing on my bed and i like wearing soft cottons or silk as soon as i get home. i take a morning shower that is brutally hot and i always take an evening shower to rinse off the day and wash my hair. i keep fresh eucalyptus hanging on my shower head. i have a cheesy projector in my bathroom that has lighting that is supposed to resemble a galaxy so i like plugging that in before i shower and brush my teeth at night. i love turning on my red light before bed. i love slathering myself with body oil after a shower. i vacuum at least once a day because i like having clean hardwood floors and sometimes seeing specks of things on the floor drives me a little crazy. i like leaving a pile of clothes on my pink velvet chair. i wash my sheets once a week and my pillowcases twice a week because i love how it feels to sleep in a clean bed and rest my head on fresh pillowcases. i eat snacks in bed every single day. recently, viv came over and said my house is very comforting and that was the best compliment i could receive about my home.

what is your favorite “hard to describe” feeling?

sitting in a restaurant that has decor that is cosy and the lighting is comforting. there is clinking of water and wine glasses, the sounds of silverware chiming together against plates, the perfect octave of people murmuring and laughing, the background music is at a perfect volume - not too high, not too low, you arrive not feeling very hungry but the smells wafting through make you suddenly feel famished, everything combined creates the perfect atmosphere for delirious conversation between you and your dining mate which makes you feel giddy, strangely invincible, at peace and most importantly, hopeful. suddenly, just by sitting in this unassuming restaurant with this unassuming dining room on a random unassuming evening with this perfectly unassuming menu, it dawns on you that what is meant for you will come, and what is not meant for you will leave. suddenly, you realize that life is a bunch of ordinary and innocuous moments that suddenly become profound, meaningful and joyful if you just give it the right amount of attention. suddenly, you realize that everything will be okay because it has to be and the comfort of that feels like a swaddle. suddenly, you realize for the hundredth time that eating and laughing with someone you love and someone you trust and someone who sees you and someone you truly see is the most healing thing in the entire world and it strikes you for the hundredth time that it’s magical how life can surprise you with something so simple yet so profound and it can hit you right in your heart and how amazing all of this can happen in the middle of a chinese restaurant on a thursday night.

(ilysm viv)

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when someone you feel fondly toward and you know they feel fondly toward you too arrive together at a gathering or maybe you arrive together at a bar and it’s not clear who you are to each other yet but that’s okay because for some reason, that doesn’t feel important. you walk around and talk to other people and later, you find your way back to each other and continue talking and mingling with others and while you both are standing next to each other, you suddenly feel their arm slide around your waist and pull you a little closer to them. it’s subtle and maybe it shouldn’t mean so much but that feeling of someone wanting to be closer is something that feels so sweet. it’s like when you’re in bed with someone and it’s in the middle of the night, maybe it’s 4:00 am or maybe it’s 1:30 am, and suddenly without reason, wordlessly, they reach out for you and pull you closer to them so their body curves perfectly against yours. it’s like that. it’s the act of someone reaching out for you. it’s the act of wanting to be a little closer. it’s like someone telepathically asking, ‘where are you’ and you silently saying back, ‘i am here’.

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that feeling of sharing a look with someone, both people wishing that the other would initiate something they both yearn for but neither know how to begin.

what are you fantasizing or daydreaming about lately?

i own a flower shop in the middle of a very, very busy city. warm light floods through the windows and nina simone is playing constantly from another room so it echoes softly throughout. in my shop, i carry flowers that symbolize something specific. i spend my day creating secret messages of love and messages of "will you please forgive me?" for people using flowers.

i take many, many black and white photos of a lover and turn it into a flip book. the photos in motion create something similar to a short film and it's the prettiest most secret film to ever exist.

i live in a teeny tiny house with a bright yellow front door, creaky old wooden floors, round door knobs and little alcoves. there is a small backyard and in the backyard there is a large tree with knobby branches that spread out every which way. the leaves are soft and smell sweet in the summer and turn a pretty shade of brown in the fall. the lights sewn between the branches look like fire-flies in the night time and i spend all my time out there drinking wine and reading or talking intimately with ones i love.

or

i live in the middle of nowhere but my house is nestled in between rolling green hills that stay lush all year round. it is always overcast and misty because I am surrounded by the ocean and this ocean is angry and hostile. my house is supposed to be white but it is now the color of wheat because it is very old. yet, it has bright green shutters to match the green that envelopes me. it has creaky old wooden floors, round door knobs and little alcoves. i wear silk white dresses, thick sweaters and rain boots every day and i always let my hair air dry. my companions are five baby goats, four sheep, two turkeys, and two brown cows and i spend my days luxuriating in a simplicity that has always seemed so foreign.

daydreaming about sauntering in the dry warmth of new mexico with viv, linking arms, our heavy silver bangles tinkling everywhere we go like little chimes.

what are some signs in a man that you think are red flags aka run for your life?

any man who treats his time, affection, and love as a reward is someone who will offer more hurt than anything else.

what are your thoughts on marriage now?

marriage has never been a priority for me. i’ve never fantasized about getting married or having an ostentatious wedding affair. if anything, i’ve always placed more importance on finding a partner that i could see myself feeling fulfilled with and them, fulfilled with me because that is what matters the most. it’s not really about finding a partner i could marry, but rather a partner that i could sit on the couch with for ten thousand hours, hear about their day sixteen thousand times, sit quietly with without squirming to break the silence, laugh with, accept all their idiosyncrasies, have horrible, terrible, awful days with, argue and cry with and still feel lucky to go to bed with them every night.

people place so much emphasis on the act of getting married when that is really the least meaningful act of it all. the most meaningful act you can engage in with another person is saying, i love you and i am committed to this and to being with you for however long we both feel happy and fulfilled and if that’s forever, then that’s even better. what’s more meaningful to me is two people respecting each other enough and not being scared that splitting up somehow diminishes the growth they shared together to say, we love each other but we are no longer happy and i want us to both be happy, will you forgive me, i forgive you. what’s more meaningful to me than a marriage certificate is actively choosing someone you respect, trust and adore every single day, without an audience.

how do u resist the urge to fall back to an ex u can’t get over that u loved a lot...but ultimately someone that hurt u and u know deep down it’s not ok. but u still can’t get over him and felt happiest with him?

i feel like we have all experienced or are experiencing a love like this.

you have to put yourself, your happiness, your needs, your wants, what you deserve first. you are truly the most important person in your life and you have to learn to let go what does not serve you. it is really, really difficult but i know that you can and will reach that point where you realize that on your own and you begin to believe it and trust it with your whole being. love is everything but it is the least important component in a healthy, reciprocal, stable, happy relationship. i promise that if you continue to look after yourself, your needs, what you deserve and what you want, you will find happiness and a fulfilling love with someone who serves your needs and vise versa. falling back for an ex partner who you know is not good for you and who has the potential to hurt you and continue to hurt you, is a temporary relief from our craving of intimacy, affection, physical and emotional closeness.

what does love look like to you?

love looks like so many different things. love is talking calmly, love is talking passionately, love is talking talking talking when it’s easier to be silent. love is your best friend holding your hand. love is your mom making a soup for you that takes hours and hours to make. love is asking how did you sleep, love is saying good morning, love is asking did you have any dreams? love is asking someone asking if you ate yet, love is someone asking what you ate that day. love is asking if there’s anything they can do to help, love is saying ‘i’m happy to do it’. love is saying i’m bringing you a coffee, love is knowing someone’s coffee order. love is someone giving you space, love is someone holding space. love is saying thank you, i appreciate you, i’m so grateful i’m here with you. love is peacefully sitting in silence with someone, love is wanting to tell them everything. love is being lucky you exist in the same time, love is believing that maybe you would have found each other in a different life. love is being excited for the future, love is not being threatened by the past. love is understanding being human is hard, complicated, confusing, love is showing compassion. love is being there, love is knowing it doesn’t disappear with distance. love is being able to express resentments, love is being able to be truthful even if it’s ugly, love is knowing these things don’t diminish it. love is eating off each other’s plates, love is ordering too much food for just two people. love is sharing, love is taking, love is giving. love is not being afraid to say no, love is saying i want you to do what is best for you, love is saying i want you to do what you need to feel good. love is saying i understand, love is saying i don’t understand but i want to try to understand. love is curious, love is paying attention, love is consideration.

favorite dessert? favorite poem and why?

favorite dessert: pavlova with whipped cream and summer fruit.

favorite poem:

mary oliver

the first line, ‘you do not have to be good’ always makes me teary eyed. it’s just such a compassionate and loving poem. i read it when i am feeling really down on myself or when i’m really sad or when i’m feeling lost or when i’m feeling shame. it just makes me feel okay again. it makes me feel safe and loved.

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tomato, garlic harissa bucatini

1 lb of banza’s bucatini

4 cloves of garlic, thinly sliced

2 cups cherry tomatoes

3 tbs harissa

parmesan

olive oil

salt

chives

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heat up 2 tbs of olive oil on medium high heat, once the pan is hot, add the garlic and sauté until garlic softens a tiny bit.

meanwhile, bring a large salted pot of water to a boil. cook banza’s bucatini according to package instructions.

add the cherry tomatoes, with a heavy pinch of salt, stirring occasionally and let them get soft and cooked down so they release their juices. once the tomatoes are pretty soft and ‘melty’, add the harissa. stir and let the flavors meld together for a few minutes.

once the bucatini is done, immediately add the pasta to the pan with a bit of pasta water. toss the pasta around the pan to coat the bucatini with the tomato harissa sauce.

once plated, top with freshly grated parmesan and finely chopped chives.

enjoy!