try a little tenderness
it doesn't have to be like this. we could have it so much better.
30 has left me more battle worn than the back half of my 20’s and it hasn’t been a year. tips?
getting older is hard, doesn’t matter what age or what decade you’re entering. learning who we are as we are ever changing and growing can be such a painful process that feels more brutal than loving but it’s something that must be done. i think for the most part, we’re always better for it.
but life becoming easier as we get older feels like a bit of a myth, in my opinion as a 34 year old. there are some things that become easier - we learn ways to care for ourselves more so it becomes easier to set boundaries with others, both platonic and romantic. we become more aware of how precious our time and our energy is and we slowly but surely begin to learn who is ‘worth’ these things. we tend to be more kind with ourselves so we know when to cut ourselves a break and not be so hard on what we consider to be our failings. we become harder, we become softer, we become tougher, we become more gentle. as each year passes, we feel brave enough to take the time to know ourselves more, to really know ourselves, all our facets, our own idiosyncrasies, all the ugliness that we carry within us and the beauty, too. we reluctantly, tenderly, begrudgingly realize that the only way to be understood and loved is to be seen for everything we are and everything we are not.
but getting older feels like there is more responsibility and more pressure to do good for us, for others, for the future, for past us. sometimes it feels like we should have all the answers or we shouldn’t fuck up and make mistakes because we should know better. sometimes, it feels like the things that made us feel like dying in our twenties feels a bit worse in our thirties when we convinced ourselves that these things shouldn’t hurt us anymore because we’ve grown up. we find ourselves feeling more lost, more confused, more desperate to feel belonging and connection because time feels more real and sometimes the absence of love - platonic or romantic- as we get older feels more profound and more painful. who will love us? who will see us for who we really are? who will see me how i need to be seen? who will love me in a way that makes me feel safe and free at the same time? how can i find ways to be joyful and content and satisfied and fulfilled for the rest of my days? will i find it? will it find me?
the only advice i have is that life is insane and brutal and beautiful and tragic and so devastatingly pure in it’s own sick way that truly, the only way out is through. we could be 20, we could be 30, we could be 40 or 50 or 90 and we would still suffer the plights of just being human and there’s something comforting in that. so take the time to savor the good, revel in the softness of good moments, know and believe and understand that there is no shame in the ugliness, the mistakes we make doesn’t lessen the growth we’ve done, ordinary things are the most special, the unknown is what keeps us going, there are people to meet, connections to cherish, love to be had and felt, good things to eat and consume with our whole being and truly, it’s just our job to enjoy and suffer through it all.
do you often find yourself fixating predominantly on the past, the present or the future?
i’m a girl constantly in the past or in the future, rarely in the present which i’m working on. i find myself thinking of what was, what could have been, what if, what what what, if if if if. i often daydream about what i want life to feel like, where i want to go, the things i want to experience, the feelings i want to feel, the things i want to touch and get lost in. i think about what i will be like when i’m an old woman. i think about what things i’ll have learned, who i will have loved, where i will go, the things i will see, the people i’ll have met. sometimes, the desire to experience my future, whatever that might be, is what keeps me alive and wanting to be well.
book recommendations for when you’re feeling lost?
i read devotions during my withdrawal from adderall in new mexico when i felt like absolute shit and so depressed and fucked up and it really brought me so much comfort. i can’t recommend it enough. it felt like a hug, someone holding my hand, a kiss on the cheek, and someone whispering ‘it will all be okay’ all at once.
sometimes when i need/want to look for a sign or for comfort in the things around me, i look through this book. it doesn’t always make sense but that’s okay. sometimes it’s just nice to find meaning in something when you can’t make sense of anything at all.
favorite lazy dish?
marcella hazan’s tomato sauce with whatever pasta shape i have my pantry.
1 stick of salted butter, 1 onion cut in half, 1 28 oz can whole tomatoes simmered on the stove for 90 minutes tossed with pasta.
it’s minimal effort and very comforting.
or
baguette, salted butter, thinly sliced radish, flaky salt.
or
steamed broccolini with lemon juice, flaky salt, olive oil and freshly grated parmesan.
how do you deal with burnout?
i really stop doing everything. it’s maybe not the healthiest thing but i will block out email, i will not substack, i will sleep in, i will go on a day trip somewhere, i will go spend time with cleo, i will do things that make me feel less exhausted, i will watch tv or a movie or read in bed. sometimes, i get so overwhelmed by the things i want to do or need to do that i just feel like i can’t do anything at all. i feel paralyzed and stuck and it’s hard for me to be productive. i’m getting better at recognizing i’m feeling like that before i just completely shut down but it’s still not great.
it’s especially harder for me to manage the things i need to do without adderall. but i think the most important and healthiest way to deal with burnout is just to recognize the signs and rest as much as your body and mind needs. you are the most important person in your life!
do you have any insight on figuring out what’s meant for you?
i truly believe what is meant for you will come and what is not, will leave. i really believe it’s that simple. sometimes what’s meant for us will come at the wrong time and if it’s truly meant to be, it will come back into our lives when the time is right. or, maybe it’s just not meant for us and that’s okay. i think there’s something playful and reassuring about trusting the universe in that way. sometimes we just have to believe that there is something bigger out there that is looking out for us and it sees the larger picture that we cannot. trusting what is meant for me will come and what is not, will leave is really how i live my life.
how do you deal with days you don’t feel like cooking/eating?
if i don’t feel like cooking, i will not cook. food doesn’t taste as good when you force yourself to cook when you absolutely do not want to. the love and joy is missing and you can really taste it. if i don’t feel like cooking, i will shamelessly order take away and eat in bed. or, i will go out to dinner because why not? sometimes, you just feel the need to enjoy a meal in a restaurant with the clinking of other people’s silverware and the quiet buzzing of conversation.
on days i don’t feel like eating, i will try very hard to eat something. that’s not always what happens, to be quite honest, and sometimes i will give into that impulse to not eat at all. but i do keep foods that i find easy to consume around for days like this. for me, that’s some sort of fruit or frosted mini wheats. it’s not the most nutritious but they are things that i know i can stomach even when i have zero appetite at all.
how do you know when a connection is real or imagined?
a connection is always real if it feels real for us. but time is what makes it feel infinite.
Your words are like licking a bowl after your ice cream is gone. Love love love this.
You’re section on figuring out what was meant for you really resonated with me. Definitely needed that this morning, so thank you! 🙏🏻🥹