how do you keep hope through very tough periods?
when jeremy and i first separated, i moved out for a month as a trial separation. i stayed in a small cottage that stood on the top of a woman’s property somewhere in oakland. the cottage was cozy and charming in it’s own way but i romanticized it out of my own necessity. it was old and damp and some nights, when it rained, the ceilings would leak and i would put trashcans underneath to catch the rain. because it was winter, it was so cold at night and i would have to sleep with the space heater on and risk lighting fire to the whole cottage. despite these things, it was a place that i could ruminate and daydream something happier for myself. it felt new and exciting to be alone after so many years of living with someone but even if i tried to tempt myself with visions of a beautiful and independent future, i felt like my whole world was imploding around me.
i had $1,500 in my bank account, no real stable income, no real idea of what i should do, i didn’t know where i should live, where i should go, could i take cleo with me, would cleo have to stay apart from me, was i making the right decision, is this the biggest mistake of my life, what am i doing, will i really be happier, how will i do this, why did i let myself get into this situation, should i have just gotten married, why didn’t i have a job for the last four years, can i even afford to break up, could i even afford to live by myself? i was so scared i was making all the wrong decisions even though my gut instinct was telling me it was the right one. my family thought i was making a mistake, the biggest one of my life, and couldn’t understand why i was doing this to myself. i was 33 years old and i felt incredibly alone, scared and unsure of myself and how to carry myself forward.