try a little tenderness q+a
...wildly tender, and whimsical, talkative
what has your journey with self love been like?
i begged my mom to allow me to get my eyebrows waxed from the benefit brow bar when i was fifteen years old. i begged her. she said no. i begged more because i was convinced there was nothing that could make me love myself more or make myself believe i was beautiful than having my eyebrows waxed and shaped for the first time in my life. my mom relented and together we went to macy’s where the intoxicating hot pink kiosk felt like an oasis to my naive teenage self. the appointment lasted less than 15 minutes and $50 later, i had half my eyebrows missing. out of embarrassment and shame, i cried myself to a dreamless sleep on top of my laundry pile. my mom didn’t have to tell me she was right. we both knew she was. i never touched my eyebrows again.
when i was in my early twenties, my boyfriend at the time told me i was not the most beautiful girl in the world so how could i expect him to not look at other women. i remember how deeply his words cut and how i cowered with shame any time his eyes wandered and how readily i convinced myself that another woman’s beauty meant the lacking of my own.
in my early thirties, i valued how my ribs stuck out of my skin and feeling the ridges of my spine under my fingertips brought me an almost euphoric happiness. i thought of myself as beautiful when my clavicles became more prominent and my face became pale and gaunt. i felt like i loved myself the most when my hip bones jutted out and jeremy would complain that it was no longer comfortable for him to rest his head on my hips.
i haven’t always loved myself. there have been many times where i try to convince myself and others that i love myself and i know i am important and i know i am deserving of love. but it isn’t always true. my love for myself is always expanding, changing- ebbing and flowing. sometimes the love i have for myself is palpable and strong - fierce and evergreen. other times it feels like i fall out of love with myself and i can’t stand my own presence.
but as i get older, the days i feel proud of who i am and who i am growing into are more present. i like that i do not accept confusion, i like that i am warm toward others, i like that i am flirtatious and kind and gentle, i like that i can have a sharp tongue, i like that i can be silly and generous, i like that i can be emotional and passionate and overly sensitive, i like that i feel far too much rather than too little, i like that i say what’s on my mind, i like that i would always rather say the more honest thing - the more heartfelt, tender thing - even at the risk of feeling foolish, i like that i am never afraid to say i love you, i’m thinking of you, i miss you, i like that i am never too proud to ask do you miss me? do you love me?, i like that i am quiet and i can sit in my own silence and someone else’s, i like that i like to laugh a lot, i like that i am often emotional and i am never afraid to cry, i like that i romanticize my life, i like that i try to think of life as something romantic and whimsical and playful, i like that i am playful, i like that i always want people to be well, i like that i am not a competitive person, i like that i am not an envious person, i like that i find so much joy in simple things, i like that i am sentimental and nostalgic, i like that i can be a bearer of secrets, i like that i try to be good to myself even when it’s hard, i like that i can forgive, i like that i am honest, i like that i can admit when i make mistakes, i like that i can apologize and mean it with my whole heart - my whole being, i like that i always try to do better even if i feel exhausted and hopeless and sad, i like that i just always hope for the best, i like that i notice the little things - i always notice and appreciate someone’s unique mannerisms, their quirks, their strangeness, their oddities, their soft parts, i like that i give good hugs, i like that i will always ask for clarity and in turn i will always give clarity, i like that when i say i care - you can know in your heart i care a thousand times more than that and when i say i love you - know that i love you a million more times than that and i like that when i do something for someone - i always do it out of love.
i don’t always have to love myself. if i don’t feel it that day- something that day or maybe the next day or maybe the day after that or maybe the day after that- will remind me of the good parts of myself and it will always come back to love, always. because at the end of it all, it’s all we have.
what have you learned this month?
even during the bleakest of times, all you can do is just wake up and hope it will be a better day.
a best friend is truly invaluable- an absolute priceless gift that can never be replaced.
four coffees cannot be a meal replacement.
when you are sad, sometimes a hot meal or a hot shower or a hot beverage can make everything feel a little more whole again.
when i am down and when i am feeling sad - i do not dream.
viv tells me that sometime in the future, we’ll think about this season of life and i will laugh because i will not be able to fathom the sadness that surrounded me because we will be filled with so much happiness. it will be abundant. i believe her and her words feel like a little wish that i keep close to my heart.
i can tell in an instant if a flat has good energy or not. i can tell by the way the front door opens and the way the air smells and how the light streams in through the windows. i have not met a flat with good energy yet.
i do not want lukewarm love.
does social media negatively affect your relationships?
social media can add a level of scrutiny to a relationship which might be stressful to some. people become naturally more curious, more invested and believe they are privy to answers. all of this is just human nature so i understand it to an extent but it doesn’t make things easier. however, my social media didn’t really negatively influence the relationship i had with jeremy but it definitely had it’s presence.
i think in the future, if i were to date again, i would not share my relationship in detail and keep most of it private.
do you ever share recipes?
yes! once a week in my newsletter, i share a recipe. if there is a recipe you would like me to share specifically, don’t be shy and please leave a comment so i can keep it in mind for the following week! or, please feel free to email me if you have a specific question regarding a recipe at tendergalette@gmail.com
how do you embrace individuality and things that make you happy post break up?
for five years, i feel like my identity was so wrapped up in being someone’s partner. i was ethaney but i was also: ethaney, jeremy’s partner.
i’m looking forward to getting to know who ethaney is. the ethaney that is single, that is no longer engaged, no longer someone’s partner. ethaney, who is now 33 years old, figuring out who i am as a woman in her early thirties, figuring out what i want in this life to feel fulfilled and content and satisfied that doesn’t revolve around being in a relationship or my role in a relationship.
i’m excited to take the time to do things that make me happy. or figure out what new things that make me happy. i’m excited for solo road trips, for solo movie dates, for taking myself out for a nice dinner, i’m excited to take a book to a winery and read alone, i’m excited to get dressed up for no reason other than dinner with girlfriends- i’m excited to figure out how to enjoy things i enjoyed doing as couple for so long but as a single person.
how do you deal with an emotional hangover?
i take as much time as i need to process. i am quiet. i will often nap because i feel emotionally exhausted or spent. i try to not overanalyze or overthink. i try to let myself feel whatever i feel. sometimes i cry. sometimes i just ride it out. sometimes i just let myself feel hungover. i give myself the space to feel and do whatever it is i need to feel or do. i think that’s all we can do, really. that or be around someone we love. but not everything can be cured by someone else’s presence - sometimes being alone is the cure.
what happened between you and jeremy?
we fell in love but nothing is ever promised.
maybe parallel versions of us are living the life we thought we would be living…the thought of that is enough for me to feel okay about everything.
how is your heart doing?
she’s beating.
I love you. And you remind me to be happy my heart is still beating too.
so happy to be subscribed <3 would love to read some tips on your beautiful tomato confits