try a little tenderness q+a
...wildly tender, and whimsical, talkative
what is a feeling you love that is difficult to describe with words?
it’s a late summer evening - it is still in between the light and evening dusk where the sky turns a deep cornflower blue with streaks of deep orange. you’re sitting outside - it’s warm enough even in the evening to not wear anything that covers your shoulders and your legs are bare. the chilled glass of wine gently sweats on the table. people are out walking and laughing but the raucous noise is comforting on a night like this. the air smells humid - it smells like stale sunshine - the way a beach towel smells after being baked in the sun for hours. you’re sitting there, basking in the warmth of the summer night, and there’s something that feels so poignant and profound about just existing and feeling alive on a warm summer evening - your shoulders are bare, your bare legs are crossed - there is chilled wine to drink, there are people to observe, it all feels so endless and there is so much pleasure to be taken in. it’s hard to describe why this is a feeling i love or why it’s a feeling that feels so profound to me. it’s so simple and it’s really not special at all - it’s quite ordinary, really. but it’s the way the air feels, the way it smells, the way food tastes more beautiful, sexier, more vibrant, the way cocktails or wine get you a little more buzzed in a way that feels flirtatious. it reminds you that these are the small things - life’s small flirtations - that make it feel worth it.
what are you looking forward to the most during this time of being single?
i’m enjoying making my apartment my home. i’m really enjoying focusing on the inane details (like what color bedsheets, what books to stack near my bed, excitedly purchasing an aesthetically pleasing coffee maker, what bathroom rug would match my black and white tile) that are important to me. i have enjoyed choosing things that feel very purely me. that has been a silver lining of this whole situation.
as for being single - i haven’t really though that much about what it means to be single. i think when i was in my late teens/ twenties, being single was something that almost felt shameful. i think it was common to feel like you wanted to be with someone just for the sake of saying you had a significant other or to feel less alone. being single was something that sometimes felt embarrassing or easy to feel like you weren’t good enough or lacking. but i think now, being single, not being attached to anyone by choice is sexy and freeing. it feels grown up to not center romantic relationships and to not feel pressured to begin dating again. i just want to wear pretty things, feel beautiful, go out to dinners with friends, drink a bit of wine, flirt a little and then come home alone to my apartment and take off my makeup, put on my pajamas, pop in my retainers and crawl into bed. alone.
that’s what i’m looking forward to the most.
what is a piece of artwork that has touched you recently?
how do you deal with such big life changes to your life, especially heartbreak etc?
i have struggled a lot in the last two months or so. a lot. i don’t share a lot of it on social media because no one wants to see photos or videos of me crying (there was a lot of crying) and i don’t always feel comfortable showing the extent of how much i’m struggling. not out of shame or anything but because it’s so consuming and personal that the last thing i am thinking about is sharing it on instagram. so, i guess that’s all to say that i don’t always deal with it well. i can actually be quite bad at dealing with big life changes.
lately, i’ve been struggling with making sure i sleep well, that i eat well or even just drinking enough water. i can feel very impulsive when life gets stressful, i can become a little reckless when i am anxious or stressed out. i can make rash decisions, i can be emotional, i can be very reactive and i don’t always focus on the positives or the silver linings. i can feel so overwhelmed by the smallest of tasks that it all just feels so shitty and hard. so i feel very grateful that i have my close friends and family that i can rely on emotionally because i’ve needed that a lot the past couple months.
i just take it day by day. some days are good, some days are fine, some days are so shitty but that’s just how it goes. all you can do is go to sleep and cross your fingers the next day is a little better. crossing my fingers, treating myself to a vanilla latte in the mornings, listening to the same song 300 times in a row, laughing along with a podcast, kissing cleo’s little hands, sleeping in when i need to, forcing myself to rest when i’m exhausted, crying if i need to cry, daydreaming, expressing how i’m feeling, eating what makes me feel happy - this is my preferred way to deal with big life changes because what else can we do?
favorite cinema snacks?
i love this question. it’s very specific when i go to the movies alone:
a diet cherry vanilla coke
a small popcorn
peanut m+ms
how do you decide what to eat? is it seasonal, what sounds good, meal prep?
i always, always eat what sounds good. sometimes that is mcdonald’s french fries and a diet coke. sometimes that’s trader joe’s frozen orange chicken and vegetable fried rice. sometimes it’s an elaborate meal that takes a long time to make. i love using what’s seasonal when i’m browsing the market but what i decide to eat is truly based on whatever i feel like eating, whatever i am craving or whatever sounds the most comforting to me. i cook and eat purely based on my emotion! i love eating that way. it feels the most genuine and everything tastes delicious that way.
would love to know more about your relationship to personal writing/ how you have cultivated it.
i spent most of my teenage years using xanga and tumblr as a personal confessional - it was a space where i was able to write about whatever was ailing me or what i was feeling. i was allowed to be dramatic, to be sad, to be sensitive, to be overly emotional, to romanticize whatever i wanted, to fantasize, to be anxious and scared while writing. no one could get mad at me, no one could tell me what i was feeling was wrong - it was freeing. when i would write, i wrote about my relationships, how i was feeling, my relationship my dad - i wrote about everything and i also wrote about things i should not have written about at all. but through this, i learned that writing is a way for me to process my feelings and ultimately, it’s become my own form of therapy. it’s always been a practice in healing.
maggie nelson writes in bluets how sometimes we cry in ‘front of a mirror not to inflame self-pity, but because we want to feel witnessed in our despair’ and i think of personal writing similarly. when i write about my break up with jeremy, it’s not to inflame self-pity, but rather for my sadness and feelings to be witnessed by others because there is comfort in connection or being seen for who you are, what you’re feeling or what you’re going through.
i write about my feelings shamelessly and with pride.
foods you associate with each season:
summer: dry farm early girl tomatoes eaten raw with flaky salt and olive oil on a slice of good bread or eaten plain.
spring: freshly shucked english peas made into a pasta or my favorite spring sandwich.
winter: pink radicchio served with toasted almonds, lemon juice, good olive oil, flaky salt and parmesan or braised cabbage with brothy beans.
fall: beef stew with mashed potatoes or brown sugar milky hot cereal served with blueberry compote.
is love a myth, an illusion?
neither.
love is a gift!!!! love is magical!! love is cruel!!! love is real!!! love is transformative in good ways and in bad ways!!! love makes itself known to us in big ways and in small ways!! love is good for us!! love is an important ingredient!! love is here for us!!
what do you love about this life the most?
that there is so much more to experience. there is so much more to feel - sadness, happiness, giddiness, fear, bliss, peace…all of it. there’s so much to feel and how lucky are we to be able to feel those things even if it’s painful or things don’t turn out the way we want them to?
i’ve been engaged twice now. once to a man that i do not think about anymore and the second time, to a man i will remember for the rest of my life. i am grateful that i have learned what love is and what love is not in my short time on this earth. i love that life teaches us what we need to learn in it’s own time - these things we so desperately want to learn can come quietly, without us even realizing it, until one day we wake up and we suddenly witness our growth. it’s scary but it’s beautiful. i love that about life.
it’s sad but it’s beautiful.
this week’s q+a has yielded so many great questions that i am really looking forward to answering. so this week’s q+a will be jumbo sized.
thank you for being here. thank you for being curious.
question(s) for you:
what does it sound like inside your head right now?
or
the last person you texted “I miss you” to.
i would love to hear in the comments.
i last said i miss you to a friend i'm slowly becoming closer to. it's been the healthiest relationship i've ever been in, in terms of the speed at and intentionality with which we've become closer through the past year.
she said it first, "miss you." i noticed there was no "i" in front of "miss." it felt sweet and genuine of her to do so. the same way you might not say "i" in front of "love you" when you're soft launching the phrase. when you're unsure what the other person's response will be. a slight tinge of fear that it'll be too much, so you take yourself out of it a little by omitting the "i."
i was intentional about saying "i miss you too" in return.
Coming home alone, popping in a retainer and falling asleep in your own bed is such a good feeling ❤️