try a little tenderness q+a
...wildly tender, and whimsical, talkative (this week's grocery list and beautiful things i want to eat)
it’s been a long week. a long, long week where every day felt relentless in some way or another. i was coughing, i was exhausted because i wasn’t sleeping well, i was staying up much later than i should have been (ashamed to admit i was hooked watching farmer wants a wife as background noise while i finished up late night emails and substack pieces), i wasn’t eating things that made me feel very happy, i wasn’t drinking enough water, i was drinking too much coffee, i had picked at my cuticles until they were raw and exposed, the weather was wretched, my bones felt damp, my insides felt cold- i wanted to burrow under my blankets and stay there until i decided to be out in the world again.
but there were some good parts as well: viv brought me a black sesame latte that felt so warming and soothing and tasted rich and nutty and so delicious- i could feel my body smile from the inside out. tonight, i picked up dinner for myself, came home and took a very hot shower, put on a thin cotton slip dress (my favorite thing to sleep in), wrapped my wet hair in a towel, crawled into bed and ate my dinner all by 7.45 pm - bliss. i spent four glorious days with cleo and all her cheesy, parmesan-y smells. my brother bought me a ticket to see past lives in san francisco in april. i pushed myself out of my comfort zone by catering for sherry olsen’s art show opening (the color theme was green and yellow so i made a broccoli di cecco, baby spinach, ricotta galette with a toasted almond crust, topped with fresh herbs and mustard flowers, burrata drowning in emerald green herb oil and crowned with more mustard flowers, soft cheeses dripping with fresh honeycomb and quince paste, muscat grapes decorated with thinly sliced bartlett pears, and sculpture-esque palmiers dipped in dark chocolate and dusted with matcha powder). i thought of beautiful things i wanted to eat this week while lying in bed, snacking on honey roasted peanuts, basking in the red glow of my bedroom.
the power was out for a lot of berkeley this week due to the insane rainstorm. on wednesday, i went grocery shopping in the dark. monterey market was without light so i walked through the aisles, squinting and using the light from my phone’s screen to inspect if the grapes were bruised or if their skins were taut and unblemished. in the dark, i found great joy in finding bundles of chives that were lush and sturdy rather than limp and withering. maybe it was my imagination but the mint smelled more fragrant in the darkness. i thought about buying more lacinato kale but could not resist the tenderness of the baby spinach - the leaves almost felt like velvet - soft and delicate. i asked the cheesemonger at berkeley bowl which burrata he recommended - the $7 one or the $14 one. he told me he preferred the $7 one and i was grateful. i resisted the urge to buy a $9 baguette just to see how or why it was $9 and instead, i bought a $4 slab of rosemary focaccia. i thought about buying kombu and bonito flakes to make dashi but i made the smarter decision of buying instant dashi instead. i resisted buying more dried pasta just to have more dried pasta. i bought honeycomb drowning in honey. i didn’t buy flowers because i didn’t see any i loved.
but this week.
this week i’ll buy myself any flower i fall in love with.
what are you cooking this week? what beautiful meals are you craving?
have you ever met anyone with your name?
never. i’m hoping one day it will happen. maybe it will.
looking forward to anything?
i’m looking forward to warmth, sunshine, the glittering aquamarine of the pool, tomato season, the smell of hot concrete, good fruit like mangoes and chilled honeydew melon, tanned skin, sun-lightened hair, packing small picnic lunches, sipping on margaritas and palomas, new tattoos, turning 34 years old, making my apartment more of a home, prosciutto wrapped around melon as a snack, iced coffee with sparkling water, silk slip dresses, sweat above the upper lip, learning to play tennis, los angeles in the summer, ice cream in a cone, feeling more fulfilled, feeling more whole, feeling more content, believing/trusting/knowing my love and care will be reciprocated.
how has your transition into working been?
my transition into working part time has been exhausting. i’m an introvert so being around people for long periods of time is very draining for me but it’s also been nice to not be working in the kitchen for 5-8 hours a day, 5 days a week. it’s been nice to be around people even though it is very, very tiring. but i think having some sort of structure/routine has been really good for me and something that i’m grateful for, especially right now. working outside of the food space also allows me to give my creative mind a break but it also allows me to feel more eager to work on creative projects. overall, it’s been emotionally tiring but enjoyable to have a life outside of my little bubble again.
mostly it’s the little things we see beauty in and life for- what are the big things?
i think we all hope for a big gesture once or twice in our lives. the big gesture that catches us by surprise, that makes us think: is this really for me???, the gesture that makes us feel loved in a way one could argue is ‘materialistic’ and ‘frivolous’ but there is beauty and life and romance in frivolity, the gesture that feels borderline embarrassing because of it’s audacity (ie. john cusack holding the boombox in say anything).
other big things: declarations of love, personal or professional accomplishments, discovering a new friendship that feels familiar and fulfilling, asking for help when we need it, taking the steps to receive care for ourselves physically and mentally, holding the hand of your crush first, being vulnerable and open with your feelings and especially your fears, letting go of what no longer serves us, finally setting boundaries with those we love, being able to say: ‘i’m really proud of myself’, learning to really trust yourself, discovering a place you feel like you belong, coming into yourself and finding bliss in your own solitude, reinventing yourself, your ideas of self, your ideas of love, your ideas of connection, your ideas of trust, your ideas of communication, your ideas of bonding, your ideas of friendship.
what’s your favorite nut butter?
peanut butter, always. forever. no other nut butter could even come close. i hate almond butter (minus the chocolate almond butter at monterey market), sunflower butter is absolutely horrid to me, i will absolutely never eat cashew butter in a pb+j.
what time of day feels most tender?
i feel the most nostalgic around 5 or 5:30 pm on a spring/summer sunday afternoon. i feel like this is when i hear the mourning doves cooing which instantly makes me feel melancholic and wistful. it’s a time of day that can hold a lot of promise for the rest of the evening or whip you into a tailspin of nostalgia, what-if’s, what-could-have-been’s, daydreams of longing and wishful second chances.
any advice on how to be alone?
you are literally the most important person in your life. it is in your best interest to get to know yourself, to be comfortable with yourself, to learn who you are, taking the time to know what you like, what you don’t like, what you love, what you want, what you need, what you enjoy, what makes you happy, what you hate, what makes you sad and to learn to enjoy your company.
there is so, so, so much joy in getting to know ourselves. it allows us a means to be ‘selfish’ by focusing on ourselves and being intentional with how we take care of ourselves. take yourself out on dates. discover the freedom in spoiling yourself with a long and leisurely morning or afternoon coffee, or how fun it is to go to an evening movie alone where you can sit and enjoy it or hate it without worrying about what anyone else thought of it, spend an afternoon wandering a museum with headphones in - listening to your favorite music, treat yourself to a nice dinner with a glass of wine or a fun cocktail, spend evenings alone at home- cooking yourself an elaborate meal just for fun and because you deserve it.
being alone does not mean we are lacking connection with others or we are not capable of forming bonds with others. being comfortable with being alone is a sign that we are comfortable with all facets of ourselves - that we cherish the parts of us that feel less ‘sparkly’, more quiet, a little more melancholic and more vulnerable.
what are you excited about right now?
life.
the big, vast unknown.
what turning 34 will bring me.
one day, far in the future, being loved the way i need and want to be loved.
what is your earliest memory of a kitchen/in a kitchen?
i am so happy you are here. thank you for being here with me.
My grandpa’s kitchen in the big old house my dad grew up in. Lots of squeaky wood, natural light & smells of decades of cooking. He was a German immigrant with a demanding presence and high expectations. He was also incredibly family oriented and made me anything I asked, any time I asked. And I always asked for miso soup. No one loved Japanese food like him and he always served me in his favourite dishes he bought in Japan. His food was true love and I was his favourite in those moments.
Thank you for your prompt, that brought me back to a very beautiful time & place. <3
I always think of my grandmothers kitchen! She was an amazing home cook, and taught me so many fundamentals of cooking. Sometimes I am sad that I can't taste her cooking anymore, but I know that she is the one who inspired me to be an accomplished home cook, so in a way I do still get to enjoy her cooking through my own. I still pour a little too much recommend rum on chocolate rum cakes...just for her