what books have made you feel the most?
please look after mom by shin kyung-sook is a book that really stuck with me and made me cry and think of my mom as someone other than just my mom. it encouraged me to have more empathy for her as a person, more compassion, and to always view her life under the lens of a woman who had a whole life before i was even a thought in her mind. it really instilled in me that my mom has her own secrets, her own traumas, her own dreams, her own hopes, her own heartbreaks - some that i will never know of. she is a woman, a person, before her identity as ‘mom’.
“...I have so many dreams of my own, and I remember things from my childhood, from when I was a girl and a young woman, and I haven't forgotten a thing. So why did we think of Mom as a mom from the very beginning? She didn't have the opportunity to pursue her dreams, and all by herself, faced everything the era dealt her, poverty and sadness, and she couldn't do anything about her very bad lot in life other than suffer through it and get beyond it and live her life to the very best of her ability, giving her body and her heart to it completely. Why did I never give a thought to Mom's dreams?”
pachinko by min jin lee is a book that i re-read at least 1-2x a year because i find myself missing it and i find something new to connect to every time i read it. it’s heartbreaking and a beautiful story. to me, it really illuminates korean culture and i find myself finding comfort in the familiarities.
“because she would not believe that she was no different than her parents, that seeing him as only Korean—good or bad—was the same as seeing him only as a bad Korean. She could not see his humanity, and Noa realized that this was what he wanted most of all: to be seen as human.”
a little life by hanya yanagihara is a book that i know was very controversial when it came out only because people viewed it as almost trauma porn. although it was excruciating to get through at times, and i found myself only able to read it in sections because i needed an emotional break, it is so beautifully written. it’s devastating and extremely hard to read but i found myself openly weeping to the point of a completely congested nose, puffy eyes and scattered tissues all around me. this is written highlighting the cruelest of humanity but also intense tenderness that can exist at the same time. it’s a book i’ve only read in full once because i tried reading it again and found myself too sad to continue but it’s a book that was deeply moving and made a profound impact on me.
“And so I try to be kind to everything I see, and in everything I see, I see him.”
butter honey pig bread by francesca ekwuyasi is a book i read without knowing very much about but found myself devouring it in less than a day even though i tried very hard to stretch it out as long as i could because i was completely in love with how beautiful the story is. even the most simplest of lines made me teary eyed because of how it highlighted queer love, friendship, family and motherhood.
“Life is an ambivalent lover. One moment, you are everything and life wants to consume you entirely. The next moment, you are an insignificant speck of nothing. Meaningless.”
acts of desperation by megan nolan is a book i picked up and i immediately felt uncomfortable while getting deeper into the novel because i have felt so similarly to the narrator of the story. the way megan nolan writes about obsession, the struggle of being loving and feeling unlovable and wanting to desperately be loved by someone who doesn’t want to love us is so relatable. it reminded me of the time i was frantically in love with someone who made me think they could love me with just a little more time or a little bit more effort on my end and i held onto that hope with baited breath. the intense similarities had me thinking about this book for a long time after i finished.
“How impoverished my internal life had become, the scrabbling for a token of love from somebody who didn’t want to offer it.”
bluets by maggie nelson because in my mid twenties, i carried this book with me everywhere i went for over a year. it got tattered and stained with lipstick that lost it’s cap while inside my bag. if i think about it too much, i don’t even understand why i liked it so much. i just know i connected to it deeply and it was so moving and profound during a very confusing time in my life. the way it spoke about longing and and love and sadness was something that felt like a really warm embrace.
“I want you to know, if you ever read this, there was a time when I would rather have had you by my side than any one of these words; I would rather have had you by my side than all the blue in the world.
But now you are talking as if love were a consolation. Simone Weil warned otherwise. 'Love is not consolation,' she wrote. 'It is light.'
All right then, let me try to rephrase. When I was alive, I aimed to be a student not of longing but of light.”
making an olive oil cake for my best friend, what’s the best kind of olive oil to use?
i think it’s important to use a good olive oil that most aligns with your budget. an olive oil cake you made with your own hands will turn out beautifully because you made it with love. the only advice i have to give when it comes to choosing an olive oil is that i would make sure it’s extra virgin olive oil and not a ‘blend’ so you’re getting a more distinct flavor whether its fruity and aromatic or a bit more peppery and robust.
it’s so lovely that you’re taking the time to do something so kind for someone you love. whether you use a $10 extra virgin olive oil or something a bit pricier, it will turn out really delicious and special because you made it.
what do you do in a moment of feeling true, low despair?
i cry. i really, really cry. sometimes i cry until my fingers and arms feel numb or my nose is completely stuffed up and i have to breathe out of my mouth and the skin around my eyes are tender and raw from wiping them with the sleeve of my shirt. i don’t really think there’s anything else to do, really. what else is there to do when you’re feeling so much despair or when you’re feeling so hopeless? are there any words to be said? not really. is there anything to do to make those feelings feel less bad? not really. not for me, at least. so i cry until i can’t really cry anymore. and then i pull myself together to put on a podcast and take a really, really hot shower. i take my time and wash my hair, deep condition it, shave my legs, scrub my body. i get out and i’ll wrap myself up in a towel, slap lotion on my arms and my legs but i am usually too tired to rub it in so it leaves thick white streaks on my skin. i brush my wet hair (not so gently), brush my teeth, put on pajamas and i get into bed. not to sleep, really but just to lie down and wallow in whatever i’m feeling. feeling clean and warm helps me feel a little more soothed. sometimes i’ll unintentionally fall asleep and hope i wake up feeling a little better. sometimes i call my mom. i always talk to viv. i try to read things that relate to how i’m feeling - it makes me feel less alone and it makes me feel a little more hopeful. it reminds me that the things i’ve felt are not special, people throughout time have felt as badly as i have felt and they found a way to be okay. i guess i just find little ways to feel less alone because i know i’m not.
what are your current self care practices?
letting myself sleep in, giving myself permission to not be productive at all, prioritizing my physical and emotional needs, allowing myself to just watch tv instead of being on my computer working, making myself something good to eat when i feel like cooking- let alone eating- is too much effort, sticking up for myself when i feel someone has wronged me, buying myself something nice whether it is a new piece of clothing or a skincare product and actually grocery shopping like doing a real grocery shop to fill my refrigerator and pantry.
do you have a morning routine or a routine for your day/week?
on days i do not work outside of my house, i love sleeping in until whenever my body wakes up. sometimes thats 7 am, sometimes that’s 9 am, rarely that is past 10 am. i like making coffee at home (when i work outside of my house, i always get a coffee somewhere because it makes my day just a little bit better). i like drinking coffee in my bed. then i usually get on my computer, go through my emails, look through any deadlines i have and i’ll work a bit while listening to music. if i want to cook that day and there isn’t anything in my fridge, i’ll go grocery shopping. sometimes i work out of a cafe. i’ll do a deep clean of my apartment, like vacuum/mopping/dishes/change my sheets/ sort my laundry. i’ll cook something because lunch is my favorite meal time. i drink more coffee. sometimes i run errands. i sit and work some more. maybe i’ll go for a swim with viv. maybe i have dinner plans. or maybe i just stay home and watch a scary movie while writing or just relax and cocoon myself in my space until the next morning.
my weeks are always a little bit different. i work outside of my house 4 days a week so those days are pretty routine: i wake up, grab a coffee, go to work, come home, do my freelance stuff and then pass out. but my days off can vary!
i’m looking to revamp my dishware, any recs on brands?
east fork pottery is always a solid choice with really great color selections that look good mixed together.
i also really like jono pandolfi.
i really like simple dinner plates like this, to be honest. it’s giving hotel buffet but i just find it classic and simple. this is simple as well but really beautiful.
i have a few pieces similar to these and i really love them. there is something nostalgic about them.
and of course, i love ivo angel for all things related to serving dishes. and bitossi is my go-to.
how to deal if someone says they aren’t ready for a relationship but they really like you and you really like them?
there’s a quote by nayyirah waheed that says it better than i ever could:
someone can be madly in love with you and still not be ready. they can love you in a way you have never been loved and still not join you on the bridge. and whatever their reasons you must leave. because you never ever have to inspire anyone to meet you on the bridge. you never ever have to convince someone to do the work to be ready. there is more extraordinary love, more love that you have never seen, out here in this wide and wild universe. and there is the love that will be ready.
in my mid twenties, i fell in love with someone that i thought was the most beautiful man i had ever seen. he said all the right things, he told me how special i was to him but he was not ready to give me what i needed in a relationship. what he was willing to give me was just enough to keep me hoping that one day soon, he would change his mind and suddenly be ready to be with me in the way that i wanted. it was hurtful, confusing and i learned the very hard way that when someone wants to, they absolutely will. and there is someone out there who will and who will want to.
how do you deal with being in spaces you once lived an entirely different life in?
it makes me feel extremely exhausted, quite honestly. i find myself desperately missing and needing the space i cultivated for myself. when i babysit cleo, it’s always at jeremy’s house because she doesn’t like my apartment very much (it’s too loud) so i find myself feeling very antsy by the end of it. the house is still very much the same but it’s just part of a life i no longer have. i truly believe home is where we make it-home is wherever i am- and this is no longer my home. so i feel tired, i feel drained and i find myself missing my home. i think that’s why i’m so protective of my apartment. it’s so quaint and there isn’t much in it yet but it’s mine and i try to make it feel as me as possible. i deal with being in spaces that hold a lot of memory by making sure i can come home to a place that is so entirely me that i can’t remember why i would miss living anywhere else.
how do you deal with sex feeling performative especially as a woman?
i don’t have sex unless i feel so connected to that person that there is no need to perform, there is nothing to prove, there is nothing to lose or gain, there is no ego, there is no need to act or play pretend.
i can’t do casual sex because i am just not capable of it, personally. i don’t ever want to give my body in a way that is performative and i certainly don’t want to experience someone else in the same way. i want sex to be intentional meaning i want it to feel like it’s on purpose, i want to feel like it means something, i don’t want it just to be two bodies fucking for something to prove or for validation otherwise i will feel like i am performing- like i am doing something just because i feel like i should when truthfully- i want it to be awkward, i want it to be funny, i want to laugh, i want it to be tender, i want it to be fun, i want it to be playful, i want it to be exploratory, i want it to be comfortable, i want it to be truthful.
do you think social media had a negative affect on you and jeremy’s relationship?
not necessarily negative but it absolutely played a part.
i think the hardest part is reading people’s misconceptions about our relationship. how people think jeremy felt about me, or how our relationship dynamic was or why we broke up or why we didn’t last etc. i don’t ever want to deal with that again. so for my next relationship, it won’t be a secret but it will be private.
this charm made me cry this morning.
how beautiful:
you always understood.
try a little tenderness q+a
the passage about mothers made me cry as I thought of my own mother moving an ocean away from her mother at such a young age and how I could never imagine what that's like. thank you for your beautiful words.
This is exactly what I needed to read today. Thanks for sharing ❤️