try a little tenderness q+a
...wildly tender, and whimsical, talkative (what kitchen gadgets do i swear by?)
how do you know it’s over for real for real?
i’ve always strongly believed that love will tell you when love is over.
you know it’s over when your gut instinct tells you it’s over. i think sometimes we ignore that feeling because we want to grasp onto hope that if we just try a little harder, we can salvage the pieces. we can try again. if we just do a little bit more or work at it a bit harder, we can make things feel better. but if we listen and if we pay attention without ego or fear, love tells us when it’s over.
how did you figure out what you wanted? from someone in their early twenties feeling lost.
i made so many mistakes. i made so many poor decisions that didn’t have enough thought. i was reckless, impulsive, i hurt myself, i hurt others, others hurt me, i was selfish, i always went into situations thinking ‘why not?’ instead of ‘should i?’, i always hurt my own feelings by desperately searching for answers to questions that didn’t really matter at all, i loved people who i knew didn’t love me or couldn’t love me in the ways that i needed to be loved, i let people love me when i knew i couldn’t love them back in the way i made them believe i could.
i figure out what i want by really just living. by making mistakes, by making poor choices, by loving and liking the wrong people, by being vulnerable, by always choosing to say more than to say less, by spending a lot of time alone, finding a lot of joy in my own company, slowing down, doing things at my own speed, listening to my heart instead of my head even when my mom told me to never do that, having regrets, moving forward, daydreaming, making an effort to really know my ever-changing self so i can trust that i will always try to do what’s best for me and always recognizing that i am the most important person in my life so i have to be selfish at times and do what i need and what i want. and that’s a good thing. not all selfishness is bad.
i still don’t always know what i want in my life and i think that’s okay. we’re always evolving, we’re always changing, what we want won’t always stay the same but i think as i get older, these things become sharper and more clear in my head and i am more confident that as each day passes, i learn a little bit more about what the hell i want for myself in this life of mine. it’s an on going forever thing, i think.
favorite drink for each season? alcoholic or not.
fall: roasted barley/corn tea that my mom always has boiled and brewed on the stove at her house. a cappuccino.
winter: hot chocolate, sometimes with whipped cream but i love it without. hot water.
spring: a glass of chilled wine on the first warm day of spring is pretty beautiful and exciting. iced green or jasmine tea with no sweetener. an affogato with very creamy vanilla ice cream after dinner. v fizzy kombucha.
summer: any cocktail with tequila on balmy summer night makes life feel v worth living for. ché. an iced espresso tonic. chilled wine enjoyed on the beach. pineapple juice. sparkling water with an apéritif.
what’s your mantra for when things don’t go as planned or when life knocks you down?
i always just remind myself that i’m trying my best and that’s all i can do. i’m just a girl. i’m just one person. i’m just trying my best.
it sounds so simplistic and stupid but sometimes just texting viv or reminding myself: i’m just trying my best! makes me really feel a bit better.
new tattoos? tell us about them.
i have a baby cartoon face of ethan.
i have a matching blackberry tattoo with ethan.
i have a little sparrow for my mom.
i have a heart with a cursive ‘c’ in the center for cleo.
i have a lamb.
i have a matching antique fish charm tattoo with viv.
i have a m.c escher impossible cube.
i have ‘let love’ mid back.
i have ‘the greatest’ above my knee.
i have ‘tender’ on my chest.
i have a feather on my pubic bone that goes up my hip bone that i hate more than anything but i got it when i was 19 and dumb so it’s stuck with me forever!
what are you looking forward to this week?
simple things: i want to sleep in. i want to slow down. i want to cook something nice. i would like to bake something as well. i would like it to be warm enough to wear a silk dress. i want to go to the beach. i want to start a new book. i want to laugh. i really want to drink a good glass of wine.
i don’t know if all of these things will happen but i like daydreaming that they will.
how to tell a crush/fwb/best mate that i want it to be more. i’m aching with vulnerability.
i’m aching with vulnerability.
i love how that read. i will always be in favor of sending the bold and risky text or expressing your feelings and how you feel for your own peace and for your own self. you can’t control how someone else receives it but i think it’s beautiful to be brave and to just say how you feel and mean what you say and do it because you genuinely are hoping for connection or love and even if it doesn’t happen the way you want it to- how beautiful is it that you were so brave to express your wants? your feelings? you might feel heartbroken or embarrassed if things don’t go the way you want them to but i promise you will never look back and wish you never said how you feel about them.
but what if it does work out the way you envision or hope for…what if you are missing out on that big ‘what if’?
it’s like when ingeborg bachmann said:
i have to be able to be honest with you, otherwise there’s no sense in it for me…
favorite kitchen cookware/bakeware/general tools?
bakeware: i love nordic sheet pans in all sizes. i really use the eighth sheet pan size so often and find it really useful in the kitchen. the full baking sheet is also great and i love the extra large baking sheet for more surface area when it comes to baking cookies/croissants etc. silpats are okay, i personally prefer parchment paper but i know that silpats are more environmentally friendly.
cookware: i do love a good dutch oven. i also love le creuset’s braising pan. i use this for so many things. i love using it for braising, for pasta sauces, for searing…i just find it very versatile and i love the weight of it.
general tools:
the stirsby - my preferred cooking utensil. i just find it extremely useful.
lemon zester for little lemon curls.
i think anthony bourdain said he the hated garlic press but i love it and use it all the time.
these mixing bowls. i didn’t have these in my kitchen for awhile and i was shocked at how often i was losing my mind.
a scale is so helpful! mine has lasted me 3 years and i only had to change the battery once so far.
a fish spatula for everything.
a good old measuring cup.
a ninja bullet blender for mixing sauces, pesto etc.
any advice/thoughts on best friendship breakups?
my childhood best friend broke up with me over email when i least expected it. we had been friends since we were small kids because our moms were in the same social circle. we drifted in and out of friendship during adolescence and our early teen years but became closer as late teenagers and in our twenties. we were incredibly different and those differences sometimes made it hard for our friendship to make sense-even to us. but still, our friendship persevered and that made her break up email so much harder to understand and accept. i remember reading it once and i remember even now- how fiery red and hot my cheeks got out of humiliation? embarrassment? hurt? surprise? anger? i deleted it immediately and then went the extra step to make sure it was deleted forever because i never wanted to read it again. i didn't even bother responding because i didn't know what to say to a best friend break up. do you beg for them back? do you ask to talk things out? who do you call when your best friend breaks up with you? who do you call when your best friend says they no longer want to be your best friend? who do you turn to with something so full of rejection and shame? sometimes i wonder if i should have responded back but the amount of confusion and betrayal made it feel impossible and too much time has passed for either one of us to reach out again.
a few months ago, my brother and his girlfriend were talking to me about the film banshees of insherin where the premise is about the un-amicable platonic break up of two male best friends. my brother got emotional talking about it and how even though the movie had comedic moments- the premise is actually so sad and heartbreaking,
there isn't enough talk about how painful a platonic breakup can be and how much more confusing it can feel even though reasons for a romantic break up can easily be similar to why friends break up.
not enough in common, growing apart and not together, someone needs/wants something more, there's a cold distance, there's not a desire to keep the relationship going, people get bored they want someone new- someone more fitting with who they see themselves becoming or who they want to be...
these are reasons that feel devastating no matter the relationship context. but there's something harder about losing a best friend or losing a good friend. i would be absolutely devastated to lose my friendship with viv. because as you get older, you learn to understand and appreciate how special a good, healthy friendship is and how rare it can be. romantic partners can come and go- there's always going to be someone who is willing to enter the dance of a romantic relationship with us. the promise of companionship, of sex, of feeling desired is always going to be compelling to someone. it might take time but there's going to be someone who will enter that dance with us.
but a platonic friendship is something else entirely. platonic friendship is special because it's pure enjoyment of each others company without the promise of sex, without the promise of feeling validated in ways that a romantic relationship validates us, it's a connection born out of something wholesome, something reminiscent of childhood. my grandma told me she's sad that it's hard to make friends at her age and she wishes she had one good girl friend. i held her hand as she told me her one friend has been essentially ghosting her. even at the age of 83, my grandma is incredibly hurt by this. i would be too. there's not enough talk about how to prepare to be broken up with by a friend because who do we turn to when the person we want to pour our shame of rejection and sadness to us no longer there??
do you believe in fate?
i always want to believe in fate and that there's a path already written out for me in the cosmos and i'm just taking my sweet time rambling my way to where i'm supposed to be. i love the idea of kismet.
i love the idea of meeting people that we were destined to meet for whatever reason, for whatever purpose where we just want to grab their beautiful face in our hands and ask while laughing
"what took you so long?????"
or i love the idea of being in the exact place or time that seems to align with what we want and what we need and it feels like there is no other place we were meant to be in that moment. but life can be messy and life can be cruel. i don't know if i think people are destined to live a life of suffering or loss or pain or abandonment. i don't like to think those are the cards that can be written out for us.
i think we are lucky to experience glimpses of fate- a glimpse of kismet - where the things i mention above are things we experience and we feel so lucky and we think: fate must be real!!
but i think life is just a bunch of big and small choices and chance encounters that sometimes lead us to really, really beautiful moments and allows us to meet special people and on the other hand, the other choices we make lead us to feeling so lost and confused. i think i like that better... i hate the idea of my fate being one that doesn't allow me to choose my own sadness if i have to experience it.