when dostoevsky said i, over here, keep thinking of all these things, and my heart beats fast
...i felt that
i wonder if 23 year old ethaney could take a glimpse into the future and see 33 year old ethaney- what would she think? would she be disappointed? would she be surprised? would she not be surprised at all? would she want to slow down time to avoid the inevitable? would she be proud? would she see reason to love herself more?
i’ve been thinking of younger me lately. what i would want to say to her, the things i’d caution her about, what i would say as a loving warning to save her a lot of grief, the reassurances i would give her- to remind her she’s enough, she deserves, it’s okay to want love to shower down on her, so much good comes her way. i would also want to tell her to be gentle with herself- there’s only one of us- and that older me wants younger me to spend time getting well always. i would reassure her that leaving the boy who didn’t make her feel beautiful is the best decision she will make, i would tell her mom learns your secrets and when she does -she wraps you in a hug and cries with you, i would tell her that in a few years she will meet someone that she falls in love with - really falls in love with - they will have a life together and for the first time she understands that what dad said when we were sixteen about men treating us bad is to be expected isn’t true - we deserve to experience love the way it’s supposed to be experienced- and we do. i would tell her that this love doesn’t last forever but that’s okay - we’re okay - the love we lived taught us enough to propel us to another place where it’s just us. it’s new and it’s scary but it’s okay to be scared.
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