when hélène cixous said love loves to return

...i felt that

things i am taking the time to appreciate lately when it all feels very stressful and bleak and the universe feels like she is trying very hard to humble me:

a slice of very good carrot cake- enough pecans but not too many, ribbons of shredded coconut, small little nuggets of pineapple, a very rich and thick cream cheese frosting that has enough tang but is just sweet enough- for breakfast

a piping hot vanilla latte with whole milk before work

a bowl of glossy and plump agnolotti from belotti’s - they look like amber jewels

“there is no better feeling to me than to wake up in the middle of the night and thrust my hand out and say, half in a dream still, ‘i love you so much,’ and for a person to turn towards me from muscle memory and say through their own sleep, ‘i love you too.’” - acts of desperation written by megan nolan

exploring different neighborhoods in the city to view apartments and falling so deep into the fantasy of what it would be like to live in that neighborhood that you miss the turn for the street you were supposed to turn on and as you struggle to find parking, you realize that somehow most of your viewings are around prime traffic time and it took 30 minutes to travel 6 miles and then when you actually see the apartment you realize you were catfished by the photos on craigslist but once you get back into the car - you take a breath and another sip of coffee- and you laugh because one day once you’re settled into your perfect little flat with the details that make it yours and yours alone - this will be part of the story and it will be a good story

the excitement of finding an apartment that allows dogs for an extra fee of $300 because that means one day soon, cleo can live with you again and when you see the empty apartment- you wonder where her bed would go- where does it get the most light? the most sunshine? where would she feel the most warm? the most drowsy?

a pistachio green bathroom with pistachio green tiles, a pistachio green bathtub and a pistachio green sink that is very dated- the color is absurd and almost tragic but it is just ugly enough to be so endearing and charming - this alone makes me want to move in immediately

a very, very good sharp white cheddar cheese

a breakfast burger from in ‘n’ out that is really just a regular cheeseburger but eaten at exactly 10:00 in the morning and noticing that it tastes so much better than a burger eaten during normal burger eating hours

i saw our neighbor at the house where i used to live with jeremy and he told me he was sorry to hear ‘the news’ as if one of us had died and i guess something did die but he asked if he could give me a hug and i said of course so he enveloped me in a big hug and told me he loves us individually and hopes to see me around - something about that made me feel a little sad because it was nice to know that our neighbor appreciated me for just me alone instead of loving me for being jeremy’s partner

i am escaping to los angeles again for a few days in a week. it’s not the most logical, practical or reasonable but sometimes i need to escape and disappear and resume the role of a ‘visitor’ when i feel overwhelmed and down. i understand this is a flaw of mine but it gives me something to look forward to and that’s all it takes sometimes

richard siken’s poetry - sending excerpts of it to ethan because i know he will understand why it makes my heart hurt like:

“eventually something you love is going to be taken away. and then you will fall to the floor crying. and then, however much later, it is finally happening to you: you’re falling to the floor crying thinking, “i am falling to the floor crying,” but there’s an element of the ridiculous to it — you knew it would happen and, even worse, while you’re on the floor crying you look at the place where the wall meets the floor and you realise you didn’t paint it very well.”

the air finally felt warm today and the sun didn’t feel bright and cold but soothing and comforting in it’s warmth and for the first time in a long time, i felt that everything will be okay and i felt such a realization of freedom that i wanted to scream - something is returning back to me - is it love? is it happiness? is it the thrill of the unknown? is it fear? is it an unfamiliar feeling of excitement that feels both terrifying and transformative? i don’t know but it’s just me now and that in itself feels powerful

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