when kurt vonnegut said you have experienced becoming, learned a lot more about what’s inside you

...i felt that

we sat at the bar at our favorite italian restaurant.

i asked if he could get there early and save us seats at the bar since we knew it was going to be impossible to get a last minute reservation. i texted him that i was on my way and then fifteen minutes later, i texted letting him know i had just parked. he told me it was perfect timing because he just got us two seats at the bar. he made a joke that he was wearing a black shirt and that hopefully i thought he looked like his photos. i walked in and there he was. a face i’ve seen every day for the past 5 years. i fluttered in - my yellow tote bag swinging around - and he stood up to give me a hug. we gave each other a casual side hug where the sides of our ribs only touched and only for a brief second - it’s the kind of hug that people who once shared intimacy give each other. it’s loving but not too loving - familiar but distant.

we sat close at the bar, our knees touching but it felt comforting more than anything. you are here, i am here, we are here. we talked about our days while i sipped my wine - the casual mundane conversation we have had every single day over the course of our relationship except this time it felt different. was i paying more attention? did i care more? is there less pressure to care so now i care more? was i more curious because of the growing emotional space between us? i wondered if the bartender thought we were a couple. i wondered if the other couples at the bar assumed we were a couple. i don’t know why it mattered to me but for some weird reason, it did. if someone called jeremy my boyfriend - would i correct them and say oh no, no, he isn’t my boyfriend - we are just friends. would he say the same? these are things you overthink when you are broken up with someone.