when pablo nerudo said thinking maybe but knowing never again

...i felt that

the most romantic thing a man has said to me -when i really think about it - is when he told me i could make mistakes with him - i didn’t have to be nervous to say i wanted to try new things. when he said it- what i heard was there would be forgiveness when i made small fuck ups, while i am flurrying around in my chaos - i would be allowed small disasters, i would not be a nuisance when i leave my clothes strewn around or when i accidentally make spills and small stains on articles of clothing or home goods that didn’t hold a lot significance but exist purely for utility, i would not be annoying for having moments of needing extra reassurance on days that felt shaky and uncertain or exhausting. i took what he said as something that made me feel seen.

i carried his words with me, close to my chest, for weeks. it felt profound- something i didn’t know i so desperately needed and wanted to hear - it sounded like what love could feel like. it almost felt like a gift but of course it wasn’t. it wasn’t anything. they were just words. they were words i wanted to hold meaning to so badly but they didn’t mean a single thing.

---

i looked myself up a forum one night after getting dinner with srishti and carla. i don’t know why i looked myself up but i did and maybe it was because i was feeling a little narcissistic and i was in the mood to hurt my own feelings because sometimes in my most honest and sick moments, i am in the mood to be hurt. i am in the mood to be devastated. i am in the mood to feel my cheeks get hot in disgust and in shame even if i am alone. i am in the mood to feel something so strongly, so negative that i don’t know what else to do but curl deeply into myself. maybe that’s why i peel the dry skin around my cuticles until i peel too deeply and the cuts start to bleed and become little bright pink lines etched into sides of my fingers - gnarled and fluorescent. maybe that’s why i’ve never been shy to ask men questions that i know will have responses that have the power to devastate me.

i read a comment from a faceless person who does not know me and i do not know that says: it’s so obvious to them jeremy never saw me as someone long term. i feel my stomach clench and my cheeks turn a fiery red. my cheeks feel like they are pulsating and for a minute, it feels like i have a fever. i re-read that comment again. it is irrational but the implication is humiliating and i am hurt, i feel the hurt blooming from the tips of my fingers to the center of my gut.

i don’t stop. i keep reading.

this feels like repentance or punishment.

i curl into myself.