when sylvia plath said perchance to eat, perchance to sleep...perchance, perchance

...i felt that

i left los angeles at 6.50 am and drove into the east bay at 12.30 pm - just in time for lunch. i exited the freeway and drove directly to berkeley bowl because i wanted to make a very specific kale salad- something my body was yearning for. not just craving but she was actively yearning. i grabbed a hand basket and wove in and out of the produce aisle - accidentally banging into people’s carts and people knocking into my basket no less than twelve times - a gently muttered, ‘i’m sorry’ or ‘excuse me’ are sometimes met with crinkled smile lines around kind eyes or sometimes it is not acknowledged at all. sometimes that is the charm of a grocery store - there is no politeness, there is no chivalry, it’s business and matters of hunger and efficiency.

i walked by a pile of stacked pink speckled apples that looked so shiny and taut, my teeth tingled at the thought of biting into one. it reminded me of topaz winter’s quote that says ‘ask any woman and she will tell you why eve bit into the apple, why eve chose the universe instead of you’. i inspected a few apples before choosing one that was a perfect rosy blush pink freckled with a sickly yellow, it was firm and heavy in my hand- unblemished. as i stuffed two bunches of cavolo nero into the plastic baggie that distinguished it as ‘organic’, i thought about how much i miss cooking regularly - how there is something never to take for granted about being able to make yourself a meal - and how turning a craving - or a yearning, really- a reality is no small act of magic. i miss comforting myself by making a simmering tomato sauce rich with garlic and basil, i miss taking the time to make flatbreads - measuring out the flour, the wetness of the dough sticking to my fingers, seeing how the dough rises with warmth and time- the sound of the dough scraper against the counter. i miss making elaborate sandwiches for lunch while sneaking bits of cheese or meat to cleo as she patiently sits at my feet. i miss the hunger and joy of feeding myself well. i miss the act of it, i miss the ritual, i miss taking the time.

so today i take the time. i am tired and i could easily take a nap but a good lunch seems more valuable and important. i buy 1/2 pound of raw shelled walnuts, i buy the most beautifully packaged goat cheese i could find, i buy pancetta, i swing back around to the produce section to pick out a pomegranate - i take my time - i choose one that feels the most precious to me. i choose one i think my mom would choose if she were there with me. i walk by the bakery and grab a sweet baguette. i grab a bunch of fragrant eucalyptus. i buy the expensive french butter with the butter yellow packaging. i walk aimlessly around the store. i take my time. i want to eat well.

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i love you. i want us both to eat well.

pov: it takes a little bit of time but it’s always worth the time. we are worth the time.

2 bunches of cavolo nero (lacinato kale/ dino kale)

1 large apple (honeycrisp, fuji, pink lady)

1 small pomegranate

1 cup shelled raw walnuts

1 package of pancetta

3 oz goat cheese

pepitas

2 tbs of salted butter

1/3 cup of granulated sugar

olive oil

1 garlic clove

champagne vinegar

dijon mustard

flaky salt

freshly cracked black pepper

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rinse and wash the kale thoroughly. remove the stems and finely chop the leaves. add to a big bowl with a generous glug of olive oil. using your hand, massage the kale and olive oil together for at least 5 minutes or until the leaves feel soft and tender to the touch. set aside.

in a medium pan, turn the stove onto medium high heat. add your raw shelled walnuts and add the butter and the sugar. stir on medium high heat until the sugar begins to caramelize and the walnuts look well coated. on a large piece of parchment paper, spread out the candied walnuts so they can cool. sometimes while the sugar is still hot on the walnuts, i will sprinkle on another 1/2 tbs of granulated sugar so it becomes extra crunchy.

cut the apples into thin matchsticks. i’ve made this salad cutting the apples into thicker slices but i find that the thin matchsticks taste a lot better in this salad. it’s less overpowering. then peel the pomegranate (i cut a X at the bottom of the pomegranate and peel back the outer skin so it becomes 4 quarters that make it easier to take the arils out) and set the arils aside in a bowl. i use a lot of pomegranate arils because i like the tartness they provide but use as much or as little as you want.

in another pan, heat on medium high heat. once the pan is hot, add the pancetta and cook until it’s very golden brown and most of the fat is rendered out. place the cooked pancetta on a paper towel but save the pancetta oil!

mix 1/3 cup of olive oil with 2 tbs of champagne vinegar, a couple big pinches of flaky salt, freshly cracked black pepper, microplaned garlic, 1 heaping tsp of dijon mustard and the leftover pancetta oil. whisk together until emulsified and taste for seasoning or more acidity. i usually eyeball this so please feel free to make this simple dressing to your liking.

finely chop the candied walnuts and add to the massaged kale along with the apple matchsticks, crispy pancetta, pomegranate arils, pepitas, goat cheese and dressing. mix well together and enjoy with baguette slathered with your favorite butter.

if you choose to make this, i hope you enjoy this salad as much as i do.